Today and yesterday have been "business as usual" for the most part. I have been able to get through the day and take care of the family. I can deal with laundry, and dishes, and schooling, and everything. But it is all getting done with a very heavy heart, and with no inspiration. Everything is bare minimum. I haven't really done anything creative with the homeschooling, just worksheets and writing in composition books, etc. We did history projects a couple weeks ago, but nothing fun and intersting since then.
Yesterday I spent the day in a fog. My mind just couldn't concentrate on anything. It was like a disembodied type of feeling, if that makes any sense. When I woke up in the morning and got moving, I knew right then and there I wouldn't be going to church at night. I was still shell-shocked from going Sunday night. The thought of going out is abhorrant to me right now. Now, having a few choice people IN, that isn't a problem. But they have to be on my "safe" list. They have to be someone who won't mind if I just meltdown for no reason.
I realized this morning that this is the last day of January. I say good riddance, personally. I hate to admit it, but I am glad to see it go. It means that more time has passed. It means I can flip the page on the calendar and get farther away from December 25th, 2007.
My brain wasn't as foggy today as yesterday. I did get to bed a lot earlier than the previous night, so I think that helped quite a bit. I had a fairly productive morning going about our regular routine... laundry, breakfast, chores, Bible reading, school work, read aloud time. I even remembered to get the crock pot going in the a.m. for supper. I think I had planned too much for schoolwork. We just plain didn't get to a couple of "electives", so we'll try to do them tomorrow. Fridays are usually lighter in the work load for school. We also have a play date tomorrow with my friend Lori and her granddaughter.
All through the day today my heart was just so heavy with thought of Aaron. It sounds like we had a perfectly "normal" day today. In outward appearance, yes. But in my spirit, I am so unsettled, and everyday tasks feel so strange. I feel like a intruder in someone else's life. I have no concentration. If one child is talking to me and another intterupts (oh, I'm sure my children are the only ones to do this!) I lose both threads of conversation. Totally. It is so frustrating. I don't even know how to answer a simple question like "how are you?". How am I? I have no clue. By outward appearance I would say "fine". But on the inside I just feel like one big empty, lonely, and heartbroken being. Almost like I am getting numb again emotionally.
The good news is that my dh is going to be laid off. I know.. weird that I say that. But I have been hoping this would happen. It is only a temporary lay off, for about 4 weeks. I am hoping we can get away for a week or so during the time he has off. I also have a very long "Honey-do" list that has been in the making since last October when we thought he was going on lay off and then never did. We can survive that long without his regular income. If we can work it out we will be going to Maine and the beach. Oh, just to smell that wonderful salty air again! It has been a long time. I may bring some school work for the gremlins to do while we are gone. Not a lot, but a little bit. Kind of depends on how long we will be gone. My dh said something about a week or two. Really? Two weeks would be great. I think that getting away for a little bit would be good for the family.
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