Please Pass the Tissues....

That is how things are going for me today. It is funny at how quickly things change emotionally for me.

At first the morning seemed to be going pretty well. I had breakfast with the family, then helped everyone get ready for church. I stayed home again, not feeling up to running the gauntlet yet. I had a cup of coffee and talked with my mom online. It was all fine, no problems, no emotional upheavals.

Then I went into the kitchen. I washed the breakfast dishes, wiped down the counters, put a pitcher in the fridge, that sort of thing. I suddenly noticed something on a picture one of my dd's drew about a week before Christmas. She had done a family portrait, so to speak. It in, she has me holding the baby, even though at that time, I was still pregnant with him, and we didn't know gender or names or anything. In fact, I remember her asking what color outfit to put on the baby since we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I told her yellow or green would be fine. She chose yellow. It has been hanging on our fridge since then. It didn't bother me. I thought it was a nice picture. But this morning I noticed something different about it. I don't know when, but she added some writing by the baby. It took me a minute fo figure out what it said. In red crayon, she wrote:

"Aaron. Dead."

I tore it down off the fridge, crumpled it up, and threw it away, then dissolved into tears. Just like that.. BAM! It all comes rushing back, ripping my heart to pieces, and makes me sob like it just happened all over again. I know she didn't mean anything malicious by it. To her, it is just the fact of our life right now. Kind of like recording some family history. But I couldn't leave it there, or keep it. I couldn't. Now when she asks where her picture went, I don't know what to tell her. I think I will suggest she draw a new one. Maybe she won't put Aaron in it.

So, just like that... my day has gone from "okay" to Boohooville. Ugh. Please pass the tissues.