Up and Down day

This morning I was fine until at breakfast dh mentioned about going out for a while this afternoon. All of us, as a family. Normally I would jump at that but I just about wilted. Before he left for a business meeting at church we were talking and he said we could go to Barnes and Nobles (one of my favorite places) or eat lunch out or window shop or whatever. Well, I just cried. I am not ready for that. I don't want to be out and about. He said that was fine, and he didn't want to pressure me into anything I wasn't ready for yet and let me cry on his shoulder. We finally decided we would just go for a drive after lunch with the kids. He thought that getting out and getting some fresh air would do me go, albeit from the van.

So we did. I spent half the time fighting back tears. We drove by some of the public parks and waterfalls overlook in our area. Kind of scoped them out for spring time ventures. But even just driving around was hard. That doesn't make much sense, but it was. In a way it was a reminder... I "should" be home with a newborn.

Later, after we got home I was reading on the couch and we had a delivery of a huge basket of african violets. They are beautiful! They were sent by the ladies in CMOMB. Now if I can just remember to water them! Green thumb... I don't have one of those.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in emotional turmoil. Will the raw emotional reactions ever stop? So many thoughts and doubts go through my head. How long does it take to adjust to not having the baby you carried for a full nine plus months?

A little before supper we had a visitor. She dropped off some pork steak. She was joking about maybe the Lord would provide the rest of the meal. Then, no kidding, there was a knock at the door. It was a couple from a farm down the road from us dropping off some more food. It's not that our cupboards are bare.. indeed they are far from it. It's was just God saying "Fear not... I'm still in control here".

I don't feel strong enough to handle this situation, especially today. My heart is rebelliously asking "Why? Why can't I have my baby? What happened? Why weren't there any warnings? After the wonderful births we have experienced, why this? I can't do this!"

But He can. He IS strong enough. He loves us. And even though I have had and will continue to have some hard days, He will still be there with me through it. I doubt we will ever understand Aaron's death, but he was a very special gift to us. God is showing us a whole new depth in our walk with Him, individually, and together as man and wife.

Speaking of that aspect, I cannot say enough what a support and blessing my dh has been. In spite of his dealing with his own grief, he has been everything to me during this. He has been my emotional balast. I could not get through this without him. Physically he has been running the show without much help from me, I am afraid. I just kind of phase out from time to time. I just get overcome by the littlest things. Like, children fussing. Or more than one talking to me at a time... I just freeze up and my brain turns off. Too much confusion really bothers me right now whereas before chaos didn't even make me blink. My tolerance is down. I find myself more "snappy" at the children than I was. I am trying to quit that.

So, that is where I am today. I can still say, honestly, that even though there are still many tears, that He doeth all things well.