Another Little Step

Last night I finally went back to church. I debated over it for a while, then decided to just go. The church is right next door from us, so I went over a little late, hoping to miss the music part of the service. I was afraid the children would say something about me playing the piano, and frankly, I'm not ready for that yet.

I felt uneasy the whole time, but I have to say, the preaching was very good. I happen to be blessed to be sitting under the preaching of the best preacher I have ever known. Of course, I'm not biased at all!

Looking back, I should have stuck with my original plan. I was going to sneak out during the closing prayer. I wasn't really in the mood to hash over how I was doing, etc. However, I didn't bolt, but stuck around. Thankfully, Sunday nights there are very few of us so it wasn't too bad. But one man was talking to me me saying that the bathrooms need new towels, and we need to do an inventory in the kitchen and stock up paper plates and such, etc. etc. I kind of glazed over, thinking: "See, this is why I was reluctant to get back! Now everyone is going to think 'Oh, she is all better now!' ". I glazed over. But I realize that with this individual, it wasn't a pushy type of thing. It is his way of dealing with the situation, and in his own way he was trying to make everything seem normal as possible for me. In reality, this man and his wife would do anything in their power for us, and have been a huge blessing to us since the day we moved. I can't blame him. How would anyone know what to say? His wife kept saying how nice it was to see my smiling face again. Smiling? I didn't think my face was smiling. My heart certainly wasn't. But again, that was something she has always said to me... "nice to see your smiling face," or "good to hear your cheerful voice" or something like that. And again, I think it was more in effort to make things seem normal, not push me or make me uncomfortable.

So, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but not as good as I was hoping it would be. As far as Wednesday night goes... well, I'll worry about that when the time comes. (See mom, I AM listening!)

Today has been a normal, busy, Monday. Laundry, schooling, cooking, meal planning, preparing a grocery list, child training, etc. Everything was perfectly normal, but everything felt so strange. I am able to resume more of my normal home activities. Yay! But I can say, right now, I am at full capacity. The thought of taking anything else on right now is overwhelming, and I am thankful I am not in the position where I have to worry about it.

My quilting buddy Lori, stopped by after work and had a cup of tea with me and we chatted. She and her dh were at our church last night and she said she wanted to stop and see how I was doing. She could tell I was kind of like a deer in the headlights last night. She is one of those people you can just be yourself with. I am so comfortable talking with her. God has blessed me with a good friend!

I am guessing I will be able to get to bed earlier tonight. It has been a full day. In fact, after supper I just had to disappear and put my feet up for a bit. I was feeling quite low this morning, but not so bad now. Yes, my heart is still heavy over our loss, but I expect that. But overall, I would consider that between last night and today, another little step in our journey has been taken. Praise God for His goodness to us.