Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Day Two of Flying Solo

This weeks has seemed busy, but long too. We started up school again on Monday, and Tuesday was my first day of flying solo here at home for the whole day. I had told dh Monday night that I would be fine if he wanted to just plan on working a full day Tuesday. Of course, if I did find myself needing him, he was only a phone call away and about a 20 minute drive.

We made it through the day okay. I was cranky all day though. Then after dh got home I just found I was mentally exhausted. I had been holding in most of my emotions all day, and also dh and I had a misunderstanding and though it was minor it really bothered me. I held out until after supper then went in our room and just laid on the bed and cried. After the kids were in bed we had a nice chat and everything was straightened out. Even though I was tired, I still couldn't fall asleep until after 1a.m.

This morning around 4:30 Jerusha was up. She woke up crying out, and I think she had a nightmare or something. Anyway it took about an hour to get her to go back to sleep. Dh's alarm goes off at 6a.m. I slept after that until about 7:30 or so.

Today has just been one of those days. Teary eyes, but not really crying, if that makes any sense. Homeschooling didn't go as smoothly as I would have hoped, but then again this is real life. My oldest son lost a workbook he needed. Looked for about 45 minutes and still couldn't find it. My ds in 2nd grade was rude at the lunch table and I ended up having him in his room until after his younger brother was done with his nap, so he ended up being behind on what he was supposed to do. Not good on a Wednesday night. The girls had to redo a bunch of their English because of failure to follow directions. Right before lunch I was delivering a lecture about using time wisely, etc, at a loud volume (aka: yelling) and was pausing to take a breath and someone knocked at the door.

Oh great.. whoever was at the door heard the whole tirade. I sent my oldest son to answer while I stepped into the living room to get my composure. Well, it was the florist, delivering flowers. Someone had sent me a nice arrangement of tulips and baby's breath! It was so pretty! The card said "Your two best friends miss you and hope to see you soon." That was it. No names.

I know it sounds silly, but that actually stressed me out a bit. Someone deserves to be thanked for such thoughtfulness... but who? What if who I thank aren't the ones who assume they are my "two best friends"? I didn't want to offend anyone. I was kind of scratching my head... my dh is who I would consider my best friend, but he sees me every day, so to say "hope to see you soon" wouldn't make any sense. Dh called during lunch and I told him about the flowers ( I need to take a pic and post it.. they are beautiful) . He said he would call the florists and find out.

Meanwhile we did lunch, and things settled down a bit. I had the scholars doing schoolwork, and I put in a nice relaxing CD I have with harp music on it and did some cross stitch.

The afternoon passed without any more than the typical activites of schoolwork and such. We had supper and then everyone went to church. I did the kitchen cleanup in QUIET!!!! No offense, but it was nice. LOL. I was feeling somewhat drained and still not ready to face the public yet so I stayed home. After dishes were over I swept and made some hot chocolate.

Now before you call the Hot Chocolate Gestapo, I just want to say that for the last few nights I haven't had any, hoping that would help my sleeping pattern to regulate better. Nope. Didn't make a bit of difference, so I am allowing myself to have a cup at night while blogging... comfort food, if you will. :)

That has been the last couple days in a nutshell.. times when we are getting back into a routine, and times when I cry out to God, times when tears overcome me and times when I can converse.

I do have two bits of advice for those who aren't on this side of things. One is, don't assume that because a grieving mother is doing more of the normal activities in life that it means that she is all better, or NOT grieving anymore. I can tell you, I still hurt, and hurt alot. I still cry, and cry alot. There is no "getting better", but that is another thread.

Secondly, if you ever send flowers to anyone, SIGN YOUR NAME! A grieving mom (or anyone else for that matter) doesn't need the added stress of guessing games for that sort of thing.

K.. there are my words of advice for this evening.

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