Day by Day

I love the hymn that Erin posted in the comments section. "Day by Day"... it is one of my favorite hymns. Thank you Erin for reminding me of the timeless truths embedded in that beautiful melody.

Day by day... that is how I live now. Well, maybe more like moment by moment. Today was a somewhat harder day for me. No real reason, nothing significant to set off the tears, but just remembering, coping, adapting. I seem to take a couple steps forward, then a couple back. My dh has to remind me that not alot of time has passed yet, and not to expect to be feeling up to everything now. I feel like much more time than a week has passed. Of course, on top of grieving is the postpartum hormones, which are usually balanced out by nursing which I can't do now, which makes me very aware of our loss again.. not a pleasant cycle.

I don't know what constitutes as clinical insomnia, but sleeping is a joke for me. Four hours tops. I can't sleep at naptime, but I have to say that just laying down helps. Despite that, my physical healing is going well. I have to remember not to push though. This morning I decided to change the sheets on the bed and try to catch up on the mountain of folding that has been growing in the corner of our room. Well, before I even got the bed remade my legs started getting all shakey. Dh took over and told me to sit down. Time is still warped for me. I think that it has been a couple weeks, and that I should be able to do more. Thankfully, I have a wise dh to keep an eye on me. :)

Today is the first day of a new year. Many make New Year's resolutions, or New Year's Delussions, as my dh calls them. Mine was to get up this morning, get a shower, and actually get dressed. Pathetic, isn't it? Both those "resolutions" were kept, and seemed to help the children know that Mama was okay, and not to worry, even though they saw me cry several times during the day today. Anyway, instead of starting the year with worthless resolutions, I always like to start with prayer. You know what I found when praying? I was truly thankful. Thankful for His being with us through this hard time after Aaron's death. Thankful for my dh, who has been my support. Thankful for my children who keep "normalcy" and "reality" present in our daily lives. Thankful for our friends, congregation, and family who have gathered around us, prayed for us, and been here to weep and rejoice with us. Thankful that God has provided our needs, that He has been very present in our time of sorrow, and that He loves us enough to help us to grow closer to Him. Despite the tears, the heartache, the wishing things had been different... I can still look up to my Savior and say "Thank you", and mean it.