We had a couple good days over the weekend. By "good" I mean "easier". Saturday afternoon we did some shopping as a family. Though that went pretty well, I had had enough by the time we got home. I'm a homebody anyway, I suspect that I am even more so now. My home is my safety zone, and anyone who has been through something like this knows what I mean.
Sunday I still didn't go to church, but was content. I knew this week would be just too much for me to handle as we had the monthly fellowship dinner after church. I thought about going in the evening but didn't feel up to it. Part of it is not wanting to be out of my safety zone right now. Also, another part of it is the quiet time I have when everyone else is at church. I hope that doesn't come across wrong. I love my family, and WANT them around, but the short times that they aren't are theraputic for me too. I definately wouldn't want them gone any more than they are. But sometimes I do need to be alone. I hope that makes sense. At any rate, Sunday was too bad, and I was thankful for that.
This morning was like ... BAM... again. I don't know why these days always catch me off guard. I think I expect that since I have had a couple of easier days, then I won't backtrack at all. Not so! I should know that by now. I must be a slow learner.
I have gone from being angry to frustrated, to just crying. Elizabeth joined me for a little while in the crying too. She said that she kept remembering Aaron's face. So I hugged on her, let her cry for a while, and I cried with her. After she started settling down she asked why Aaron's lips were so dark. I explained about how he never breathed after he was born, and about oxygenation, etc. We had explained it to the kids before, but I tried to make it as simple as possible. I wondered if she was frightened by his darkened skin, or if it was just missing him, or what. I asked Elizabeth about what she was feeling and she said that she missed Aaron. I told her I did too, and that was part of the reason why Mama was in such a bad mood today, and why I was crying so much, and why I wasn't in church lately, etc. I don't know if she understood it all (for that matter, I'm not sure if I understand it all!) but she seemed satisfied with the answer. We chatted for a few minutes about this and that, and then she got back to work.
Dale took a half day today and is home. I am so frustrated that I need him here. I just have no coping skills today. I feel totally immobilized. The breakfast dishes are still unwashed. I hadn't started school yet. I feel like a failure on every front..as a mom, a wife, as a homeschooler, etc. I just can't seem to pull it together today for anything. Even just doing "one thing" is too much for me to think about. Today is definately a hard day. The way I am going to cope is to not to cope... I need to turn off my brain for a while. I usually do this "reeling" thing at night.. the going over and over in your head about what has happened. It is triggered by anxiety, or stress. or both.. good or bad.
My mind keeps going over the same thing.. I miss Aaron. Plain and simple. I also keep thinking about what a waste and failure this day has been. The crying. The yelling at the kids. Is this what they are going to remember when they grow up? Are they going to hate me when they are older because what a shrew I am now? My frustration at having to have Dale here. That is ever present. I knew I absolutely needed him here. But guilt is ever present with whatever I do or decide to do these days. Seems like there are no right answers. If I do it, I feel guilty. If I don't, then I feel guilty. I know that is a trick of satan. But right now it doesn't change how I am feeling. I don't feel like a very strong Christian or person. I am more like a piece of wet tissue paper.
So, the "reeling" goes on and on today, starting early this morning. Nothing got it off track yet. I tried writing in my journal... many pages later I finally gave up and banned myself from writing in the journal again today. When I am done here, I am done writing for the rest of the day. Usually the writing is very good for me, but it seems to be making things worse. Probably because I keep writing about what I am thinking. I'm sure you see the problem.
So, that is why I say I need to turn off my brain. I will try reading, and if that doesn't work then I am popping in a movie on this laptop and holing up in my room until I can act civilly towards my family. They deserve better than they are getting from me lately.
That is where I am today. I know this is just one more day in a long journey, and I trust those who have gone before me and know the road, and tell me it will get better as I go. I am just taking this one step at a time, trusting God to help me through it.
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