The journey continues....

Well, as an annonymous commenter said.. there will be good days and there will be bad days. I have also found there will be days that are both. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me.

I had coffee before I had my first meltdown... Yay! That is improvement. Then my mom left to drive home to MA, and that was hard. She has been on the front lines in all this with us, and it was hard to let her go, but she has work to do, and life does go on.

Then I had some dizzyness, inner ear ache, sore throat type symptoms. Well, fine. After what I have been through in the last week, a head cold is nothing. The rest of the day was off and on with the tears. Dh went down to the funeral home to pick up some catalogs with locket selections and to pay off the rest of what we owed for the funeral. He got back and I couldn't even LOOK at the catalog yet. Ugh. Then he got the mail and we got huge pile of cards and a couple of packages. One was from the MHONP group, and one from Erin. Both were very much appreciated though I bawled at them and the cards. But it was a good thing, very cleansing.

I feel I need to say "Thank you" again to all you ladies! It seems there are no words to tell you how much I have appreciated your prayers, and supports, and words of love and encouragement. My request is that you keep on praying! I am still trying to accept the reality of Aaron's death. Every day I can wrap my mind around it more. It has been a nightmare. I dream of him. Of holding him, and nursing him, and kissing his cheeks... pink and warm. Of hearing his first cry after birth, that in reality was never made.

Whenever we sit down to eat a meal I am waiting to hear a newborn cry, for we mothers know that a hot meal on the table is a baby's cue to fuss to be nursed, sure as the smell of a clean shirt makes them nauseous.

I have to wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again.. or a new normal. Will I be able to have a conversation without tearing up? Yesterday one of my daughters, Elizabeth, asked me what my favorite holiday was. Well, two weeks ago the answer was simple and immediate. Christmas. I just kind of looked at her with my throat constricting. I had to tell her "I don't know". I don't want Christmas for our children to be a morbid time. But forever in our family history is a memory on that day that will never be forgotten. It is a bittersweet day for us forever now. How do I balance grieving for Aaron and not taking the joy away from them?

It is not my intention to be so sad in these posts. My prayer is that if I am honest in my journey through this valley, then maybe the Lord can use it for good, to help someone else.

Tomorrow is another day to grieve... to grow, and trust in my Lord. For I can say with full assurance, He doeth all things well.