I have to be honest

( I just realized this is the third time I am posting today... whew... is there a limit to this? Like one post a day? What is proper blog etiquette? )

I wasn't going to write this, but if I am going to be honest about how I am feeling, I think I should post about my concerns today.

I was totally overwhelmed this morning thinking about what people expected me to do right now. I what I thought people expect from me. I am the sole church pianist. Also a pastor's wife. In the public eye alot, for sure. Now we have a small, very small, congregation of wonderful people who are all older than us for the most part. They are and have been very loving towards us since we moved here and took on this ministry a little over two years ago. I tell others that they didn't hire my husband, they adopted our family. They really do spoil us rotten. :) I wanted to make that perfectly clear, before I went on here.

This morning I was just overwhelmed by the thought of getting back into the swing of things at church. I just can't do it yet. I have no music in me to share right now. I don't want to face running the gauntlet so to speak, yet. I know I will have to sometime, but I am just not up to it yet. Aaron died less than two weeks ago for crying out loud... I haven't even adapted yet to that. Can't a person grieve longer than that? That was my thinking.

I was feeling pressure to just jump right back in. From where? I have no clue. Certainly not dh who has been a huge comfort to me. No one has breathed a word about me "coming back". Everyone has been supportive, and giving us some space, and dropping off food, etc.

I think I just have high expectations of myself. In a previous church, before my dh was pastor here, the expectations for new molthers to get back into church was very high. When I had Jerusha, I stayed out for about 8 weeks. Some of that was for me, but some was for her. She was born in the middle of flu season. And, because the idea was "you don't call in sick, you crawl in sick" people went to church when they were sick. Dh and I secretly called the "hand shaking" time "germ sharing time". I actually kept Purell in my purse to smear on the kids after the hand shaking time. When I say someone came sick, I am not talking about sniffles. I have heard "Oh yeah, I was barfing this morning, but I'm okay now" more times than you want to know. Anyway, I didn't want to expose a newborn to that.

Now, without a newborn.. I feel guilty I am not jumping right back in. But grieving is a rollercoaster. Right now I still feel like I could break down crying for any reason. I don't really need to do that in public, do I? Can't I let some of the rawness abate before facing everyone?

Don't get me wrong, I am not walking around with tears in my eyes all day. Well, at least not today. ;) I think everyday we adapt more to the reality of the situation, and that is fine. The point is, that I'm not ready... I still can't even take care of the family the way I should. I can't put on a fake smile and pretend I am some superchristian who can handle all this after only a week and a half of mourning. I just need more time.

Again, no one has said anything bad to me. These are just MY expectations that I realize are unreasonable. Like I said at the beginning.. I have to be honest. This is where my walk was today. I am thankful God gave me a dh who I could spill all this out to and made me realize that it is okay... to take as much time as I need.