Today was a little more emotional than yesterday for me, but not as hard as some other days as I have been. I felt a real lack of ambition and direction for the most part today, except in the morning when my friend that was here yesterday came over with her granddaughter for our customary Friday "playdate". We had left it yesterday that I would call her this morning if I was feeling up to having them come over. So I hemmed and hawed a bit this morning trying to decide if it was a good idea to have them come over or not and finally decided "why not?". Her visit yesterday had quite a positive impact on the day and my outlook. Even dh noticed it, and mentioned it to me. To make this long story short, it was a nice morning, and I didn't regret my decision.
After dh got home (he took another half day today) I laid down for a while during naptime and actually fell asleep! Usually I just read for a while and rest and call it good enough. Also, along those lines, I am finding I am sleeping better at night. My sleeping pattern has gone from about 4 or 5 hours to 6 or 7 hours of unbroken rest. This is a huge improvement. I am still up late, or what is normally late for me, but that is okay. I think I can start scaling that back soon to my regular hours. I am not normally a night owl, but you wouldn't know that by my present schedule.
After nap I puttered around on the puter a bit, and kind of meandered my way through the rest of the day. Now all the children are in bed, and it is quiet. And yes, I made some hot chocolate (shhh... don't tell my mom! ). I did refrain from getting my pj's on until almost 9:30pm. That has to count for something doesn't it?
I want to address something that was on my heart earlier today. It is something dh had talked alot about shortly after Aaron's birth. One of the many wonderful ladies I am aquainted with online sent me a PM. She had just been reading my blog and said that she could see from my posts how the enemy would love to destroy me and my family from this loss. She said that she was praying for God to put a hedge of protection around us to deliver us from the enemy.
Oh how I appreciate that! That has been one of my concerns, that dh and I would have marital troubles, or that our family would be torn down, or that I would just crumble as a Christian under the weight of this and lose faith in God. Maybe that is why I have been having these unrealistic expectations. If I can get through this quickly as possible, maybe dh and I won't have any marital problems, or our family won't suffer any casualties, or I won't fail as a testimony to those around us. If I am going to be honest in my blogging about this journey, I have to say that those are some of my fears.
As I already said, dh and I talked about this quite a bit after Aaron's birth. We have to keep the lines of communication open AND available to each other. We know of a couple that went through a very similiar circumstance and it ripped their marriage apart. They basically turned on each other and blamed each other. How awful that must have been.
I don't want that for us. I don't know what I would do without my dh. We did say that we would get through this together. It is like a little commitment renewal. We are on the front lines together in this. We know there are difficult times ahead, but we are committed to getting through it together, and with the Lord's grace. There are times when I wonder what dh is thinking and feeling. He isn't one to show a lot of emotion. I wonder if he thinks I'm not improving enough, or quickly enough, or if he is getting tired of a wife who cries at nothing sometimes, who can't help but think of Aaron a lot of the time, etc. But I believe that is a tactic of the enemy. I think that is a fear that he is putting in me, just to cause me more trouble. My dh has been nothing but supportive, caring, gentle, loving, and he has been the one to point out my expectations are unrealistic, and to take my time, etc. Satan is sneaky, underhanded, and strikes low blows.
This afternoon and tonight I have been kind of in a "No Zone"... not really anywhere, not really doing anything. No ambition to change it either. So be it. The day is over. The days seem long right now, that is for sure. And until I get tired enough to fall asleep, the nights are long too.
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