We had quite a leisurely day today. After such an emotionally turbulent day yesterday, it was welcome. I didn't get to bed until 2am, but slept in until 9am, thanks to dh.
Then my oldest son made his famous pumpkin pancakes for breakfast, and Dale cooked them. My biggest accomplishment was doing the daily quota of laundry.. two loads. Later, before lunch, we all went over to the church to clean. It was Dale's idea for me to go over during a non church time to kind of break the ice without anyone there. The last time I was in the church was for Aaron's funeral. In my mind's eye I could still see his little casket in the front of the auditorium. I noticed that the flowers that were in the front on the communion table were made from the surviving flowers from different arrangments from the funeral. < sigh > I don't think they'll be there much longer. They are cut flowers, but apparently hearty ones. I know different varieties can sometimes last a very long time.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be in some ways. I wandered about, letting my mind wander while everyone else got cleaning. I didn't break down and cry. It wasn't because I was holding it back or anything, I just felt kind of empty of tears at the moment. I did cry earlier this morning before breakfast, so maybe I had gotten out of my system for the day already.
After lunch, during naptime, Dale and I snuggled and watched a movie on the laptop in our room. We were watching from the instant playback thing on Netflix. Okay, I had to chuckle at how the male mind works. While it was loading the playback, which was an estimated " 1 minute and 32 seconds" or something like that, Dale decided he'd just fast forward a couple minutes into the movie. Well, that messed up the playback a bit, and we ended up waiting about 6 or 7 minutes instead of the 1 and a half. Why he thought that was better I don't know, but figured it was on the same principle as why men will drive around the parking lot for 30 minutes trying to find a parking spot only 15 seconds closer to the store's entrance. Maybe I am strange, but I don't mind walking those 5 parking spaces further away. :)
Dale and my oldest son, the budding chef, made homemade pizza for supper. Husbands may come with quirks (see above paragraph), but who can fault a guy who will cut up onions to put on your half of the pizza when he can't stand them? And he brought me hot chocolate ealier because I was cold.
I have pretty much done nothing to validate my existance today, but that is okay. I needed this time. I was so tired this morning from yesterday. Everything seems much easier to cope with right now. I wish I could hang onto this feeling. I know I will have more hard days, but for now, this is good. This is an encouragement to me. It shows me that there are, and will be easier times, and that I will learn how to get used to a new normal.
I need to remember to not push things. I need to remember to take baby steps, and not expect too much of myself. I am my own worst enemy in this. Dale reminds me still almost everyday to go at my own pace, and don't feel guilty if I can't do all that I want or think I should do. I am easily frustrated in this.
Also in a way, I don't know myself. Something like this changes you, to be sure. There is a piece of me missing, and the rest feels so different. Frankly, I don't like who I am right now most of the time. Cranky. Impatient. Moody. Mournful. Emotionally volatile. Easily stressed out. One of my fears is that my children will remember me this way, and grow up bitter against me, or God or both. That makes me frustrated that I haven't adapted better. That makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being the mother I want to be to my children. Then that starts what I am calling "reeling". Around and around the thoughts go... I feel guilty for not being what I want to be. But I have to grieve... I know what happens if I try to push it away or hold it in. But if I am grieving I don't think I am being the mother my living children should have. 'Round and round... and that is only one aspect of all this. There are so many conflicting emotions that need to reconciled to the situations. A balance obtained that seems unobtainable.
And then there are times like this afternoon when my mind feels peaceful, though still missing Aaron and my heart hurting, but I can stand it. My mind feels reconciled to the loss of my son, and I am patient in waiting out the grieving process, content to take it one moment at a time, and I am just resting in the Lord, in His everlasting arms. Praise God for those moments. From what I am told by others who have gone before me in this journey, those moments become more frequent, and the "crash" days become less intense, though I'll always have them. They won't be as often, or as hard.
I can still say, with full trust in God, that He does indeed doeth all things well.
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