Pregnancy ramblings, everyday life, and mourning collide

Our days have been full of activity, but the normal, everyday, activity at a reasonable level of busyness. Homeschooling and chores, and baking, and sewing and everything else that goes along with raising children, have kept our days full. I'm glad for that! I've started walking slowly, a little at a time again, with no ill effects, for which I am thankful. The children have been making it a habit to get up at the crack of dawn, or before, when Dale gets up for work. They do their Bible reading then start work on their schoolwork. The result is that by the time I'm up and haven't even finished my coffee yet is that they have a pile of schoolwork done for the day! I'm glad they have that initiative. There are things they can't do without me, like some research we are doing on the computer, for example, or obviously they can't practice piano or recorder that early. But they try and get as much of their independent work out of the way they can.

Yesterday they spent some time out in the garden harvesting the sunflower seeds. They noticed the birds eating them, so they took a bucket out to pick some. We will use them to put in our little bird feeder that Benjamin made during VBS this summer throughout the winter. Next for the garden is plucking up all the used up sunflower plants, corn stalks, and digging up the carrots. Then we will be getting a load of manure to spread. Over that we will put a thin layer of leaves, which are falling very quickly this year it seems! It will rest over the winter, and Lord willing, before it is plowed next year we'll get a little more fertilizer and lime in it.

My sewing is progressing slowly it seems. I hope to be able to spend a good deal of time on it today. I spent the last day doing what I call "prep work" for the sewing. I made the back ties for the dresses, got the interfacing on the collars, cut the contrast fabric ruffles for the collar, etc. Today I hope to get the back ties sewed on, fronts sewed to the backs, and at least a good start on getting the collars put together.

Tuesday in the mail I received an order I had placed with Ringger Clothing. I HIGHLY recommend her site. If you sign up for the everyday emails, you can get some good deals that she advertises in those. I ordered two jumpers (one for each of the twins) and a maternity skirt for myself. I have to say I am very pleased with the fit and comfort of the garments, and the quality of the workmanship. I wore the skirt yesterday and it was very comfy, had plenty of room for expansion. The twins love their new jumpers as well. Amy Ringger and I emailed back and forth quite a bit over the order, and she was very pleasant to work with. The garments arrived quickly too, and caught me be surprise. It was my intention to have a pic taken yesterday but never got a round to it. We'll be wearing them again soon, so I'll have our pics taken then. I love to do our own sewing, but sometimes I get so far behind I just need a little help. :)

It is funny how everything can be going along fine, peacefully, and then BAM! Just like that the waterworks turn on. Last night was one of those nights. The kids were all in bed, and Dale and I were reading in bed, and just all of sudden I just needed to cry! I had these flashbacks of when we lost Aaron going very clearly through my head.. what it felt like to find out he was gone, what the aftermath was like, and it hurt like it did last winter! Then I started to have a real fear for this pregnancy. I just don't think I can take it if we lose this baby. I know God doesn't give you the grace for trials until you get there, but just thinking about it near drove me to a panic.

And, as usual, emotions run opposite of each other. Whenever one of the kids kiss my rounding tummy, I want to say "don't get too attached just yet". But I don't, of course. I try to focus on the positive.. that they love babies, that they have a simple faith in God. They can live in the moment and not worry about what may or may not happen. They are so matter of fact about it! A couple weeks ago Josiah turned to me and said "I hope this baby doesn't die, like Aaron did." Then went on doing his schoolwork. I think I responded "Me too!" or something like that. Then Josiah said "Well, if he does, at least we know God is still in control." Out of the mouth of babes!

I go from trying to skim over the surface of hope. Every time the baby kicks, or has the hiccups, I try not to get overly hopeful about the birth. At the same time, I try to enjoy every moment so if something does happen, then at least I can look back on the pregnancy with some joy. It is a hard balance to find.

Back to last night... after Dale hugged me for a while, we talked a bit about things. As I was blowing my nose for the hundredth time the baby started kicking my arm that was draped across my belly. I put Dale's hand on the spot and he was rewarded with several very strong kicks. Now, he has felt babies kicking before, but he hasn't felt this one this strongly yet. The baby likes to kick hard, then move so it has been a bit tricky getting Dale's hand in the right spot. Last night was really the first time he felt the baby kick so well. His eyes popped open wide with surprise, and said "Wow! That was a good one! You're going to be bruised on the inside!" I responded.. "Just think of what that will be like in a couple more months!" But really, each time the baby kicks, I appreciate it and enjoy it.

Overall I would say everything is going smoothly as possible, and that there are just these little pockets of time when I just need to cry and get it out of my system because I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I still try to maintain an emotional equilibrium as much as possible, which takes more and more energy as time goes on.

Well, that is where I am.. at least for now.

Aaron's Memorial Garden

It was a bitter-sweet task to do this little flower bed, but I'm glad we did it. These pics aren't that great, but they'll have to do for now.
Here is a bad shot of the Bleeding Heart. I'll try and get a better shot later.



You can see the small Fushia in the lower right hand corner. These are supposed to grow and spread during the summer. Again.. poor shot. I'd better not give up my day job to become a photographer! LOL

This is a pic of the plaque we bought. It says:
Gone yet not forgotten
Though we are apart
God has you in His keeping
I have you in my heart.

"Aaron" is at the bottom.

Craziness, Moodiness, Busyness

That about sums it up here. Our schedule has been crazy lately. I mean the "at home" schedule. We are in the throes of our end of the year projects for school, planning our gardens, ordering books for next term, etc. Not to mention the usual hum of a family full of active children.

Moodiness... yeah, that's me. I have been in what my mom lovingly calls a "funk" since the last post. It seems I am entering a new phase to grieving. I am uncertain what to label it. It involves a wide swing of emotions (as if it didn't before) but it seems to be getting worse, not better. I have had more crying and meltdowns in the last week than I have had in the last month, it seems. I continue to have very vivid flashback and memories of Aaron, and when we found out he had died, and the ugly aftermath. The more we get into spring, the more I brace myself against it. I don't want to get on with life yet, I don't want to move forward, I don't want embrace spring. I'm not ready to "let go" yet, if that makes any sense.

Busyness... oh, the normal routines of homeschooling, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and now a new dimension has been added in my mornings as I have been hanging out laundry. I know, that doesn't seem like a big deal. It is fine, I don't mind it, believe me. But It takes about half an hour or so, depending on how much there is that day. Mornings are extremely busy, so I have had to adapt to that in the schedule. Mornings are and intense mixture of whatever I need to do with the kids for school, laundry, kitchen clean up from breakfast, etc. In the afternoons, I try to do less intensive activities like mending or sewing. When supper is over, my day is pretty much done for now. Dale continues to enforce my "feet up" time in the evenings. In fact, due to the rough past week, he has started enforcing that when he gets home. Anything that isn't done by then has to wait. Oh, and on top of all of that, I have been potty training Jerusha.

Not that I mind. After pushing, pushing, pushing for several weeks, I have seen the ugly effects of that so I am trying to be good about pacing things out more, and not feeling guilty for taking the time for myself.

I still have a hard time with brain work. Seriously, this bothers me. It takes all manner of mental gymnastics to orchestrate school, research work on the computer, music practice, sewing projects, sharing whatever reading books they need to for a lesson, etc. And that is before lunch. After lunch, if I am organized in the morning, the children can do their individual work, mostly without me. Mondays are the worst though, because that is naturally a high organizational day for me. I plan the week's menu, so I can do up the shopping list. I plan a good portion of the schoolwork for the week, though not all of it. I try and catch up on laundry form the weekend, and email. I work up any thematic unit study pages we need that week. That is a lot of brain work for someone like me. I am definitely scatterbrained these days.

It takes me twice as much brain power to do anything compared to what it used to take. If I have to repeat myself or do any kind of organizational acrobatics if something changes, then it really tires me out, makes me very cranky, etc. I find I get overwhelmed very easily now. What used to be welcome challenges in the schedule are now something akin to emotional bombs. Can you say , "critical mass" ?

On the bright side, I am still working on our matching dresses for church, and enjoying it. I can tell, because I keep bemoaning the fact that I am not getting in as much sewing time as I want. I am also enjoying music playing and such still, and again, have the same happy problem as with the sewing. In fact, on the immediate future list for music is : Sunday morning two of my children and I will be doing an instrumental trio. Benjamin on the piano, Elizabeth on the recorder, and me on the flute. Sunday night Elizabeth has a flute solo. I have a special offertory almost ready, and started on another. We are working on a family song. I am also almost ready with a violin solo.

We are busy, to be sure. Not a moment goes by that my thoughts aren't on Aaron. I can't help but wonder what milestones he may have hit by now. Things don't really feel "normal" yet. It is too soon to expect that. But at least I can function with some grace and confidence now, even if it all still seems meaningless sometimes. I still resist the changing of the seasons, which is ridiculous I know. It is strange that even amidst the sorrow there is God's peace. And I know some of these posts seem so dark and so sad, but know that there is no doubt in my mind that God's love hasn't ceased, His provision is evident. He is my Healer, My Counsellor. And yes, He doeth all things well.

A Great Blog I Read This Afternoon

The Pipers have a wonderful section in their blog about how to help a grieving friend. She articulates much of what a grieving mother experiences, and doesn't know how to explain it to others. I have added a link on the side bar you can click on if you are interested. I found the site through Raising Arrows.

Tulips and Peepers

For the last several nights I have heard peepers out back. The sound of that makes me think of my mom's house. Except..not so loud. The peepers she has would deafen you. Ours are much more pleasant to listen to. Their evening song blends in nicely with the warming air, lulling you to sleep. I also couldn't help but notice the tulips coming up along the church walkway. Ahhh spring.

Except something is missing. I don't feel the usual exuberance. In fact, the more Spring-y things get, the more resistant I am to embrace it. I just don't feel ready. Dale said it could be a reluctance to have more distance between myself and Aaron as afar as time and events go. That could be. The change of "his" season to spring marks yet more passage of time. The more time that passes it seems like I am more and more the only one that even remembers his birth and death. I know it isn't going to make an impact on others as it does to me. I understand that, and don't expect anyone else to really grieve like I do, or miss him like I do. It isn't that. It is just seems like others conveniently overlook the whole situation and babble on and on about trivial stuff that I couldn't care less about. Yes, I am back doing music. That doesn't mean I am "over it". Nor is it a cover up for how I am feeling. I am doing music again because now it seems right. It's as simple as that. It doesn't take away any of the pain, nor does it add to it. But it is enjoyable again.

I am still in some pretty deep grieving and it disturbs me to think that other people may assume that I am not bothered by Aaron's death anymore, or that it is on the back burner of my mind. Believe me, he is not. Everyday he is at the front of my memory and thoughts. This morning while in the shower I was thinking again that I should be listening for the cry of a baby; they always seem to be hungry when mama is in the shower or just sitting down to eat. Or when working on schooling, or doing dishes, or cutting out a bunch of fabric, that I should have been interrupted by a hungry baby, or changing his diaper, or rocking him, or playing with him. I know from experience the complications of homeschooling, baking, washing clothes, doing ANYTHING with a baby in the house. I miss it. Especially when I keep thinking that Aaron "should" be here cooing, and smiling, maybe starting to roll over, or whatever milestones he may have reached by 3 1/2 months.

So, I try to keep busy to help keep my mind off of those things. I'd like to say it is working, but the only thing it is accomplishing is keeping the fidgets away.

Dale fears I am overdoing and continues to encourage me to take "alone time" in the evenings. I obey, and never have regretted it. I usually don't realize it until I get in my "safe place" with my feet up and the cross stitching out, how much I needed to get away for a little while.

Tonight I was pondering all of this and thinking ahead that since Spring has sprung, I should start thinking about the garden. Some of the children have already requested certain crops. Pumpkins seem to be very popular this year. I am planning a memorial garden too, and the girls asked if they could plant petunias. Why not? I was looking through a magazine this evening and came across a memorial resin stone that said: "Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart, God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart." Well, that started a flood of tears I haven't had in a while. I just cried and cried, and couldn't stop! Dale heard me and came in to hold me and let me just cry it out. After I got under control we were able to chat a bit. I'm glad I have him!

On a more practical note, I finished Jerusha's jumper and she wore it today. She was well pleased with it. I will post a pic tomorrow, as Dale is on the puter with the pics on it. I also started cutting out the twins' pinafore dresses for our matching outfits. I will sew those up first, then move onto Jerusha's dress, then mine. When I get them all completed we'll have Dale take a pic and we'll post it here.

Break Throughs and Break Downs

Such is life. You take several steps forward, then one or two back. Some days it seems like several. Some days maybe half a step. Thankfully, as I look back over the last three months, I see a general trend of moving forward in the grieving process. There are ups, and some very sharp and steep descents, but over all, it seems that things are moving in a healthy direction. Frankly, where I am now, and what I am able to do now, is nowhere I thought I would be. A couple months ago I never would have predicted my walk now. What I mean to say, is that a couple months ago I was completely immobilized with grief, and filled with a great emptiness.. if that makes any sense. Now I am able to do much more than I thought I would be able to at this point.

In fact, for the last week plus a few days I have been on the run from the time I wake up until late at night. First with the preparations for the conference amidst everyday life, then with the conference itself. All the misgivings and uncertainties I had regarding housing missionaries proved to be complete and unadulterated horse-hocky.

It all worked out, as you all and deep down I knew it would. Only about half the family was able to come this time. This worked to my advantage in a couple of obvious ways. One was on the practical side of things in that there wouldn't be as many people to feed and take care of. Though the missionary family was very mannerly, and helpful, you feel the burden of responsibility as hostess. The other way it worked out was that without Mrs. Rooney being there, I wasn't "on" for entertaining, really. My dh and Mr. Rooney chatted for hours and went soul winning and whatnot. But if I wanted to go take a nap I could, without wondering if I should just sit and visit. In fact, it did happen twice that I had opportunity to escape to my bedroom and chill out by myself. One day I even took a nap. :)

I did strike up a friendship with the oldest daughter that came along. She played the piano (VERY well, I might add) for us at the meetings. She also did special music with the kids. She and I did a flute/piano duet and a violin duet on another night.

Therein lies the "Breakthrough" part of this. Up until now I haven't been able to even think about playing any instruments. But with someone to actually play with, I was able to get through that, and enjoy it again. I found out, after taking out a special arrangement book for piano yesterday, that I am very rusty at piano solos. So, I will just take my time and practice something just for the fun of it.

As for the Break Down part, I did have one night after we retired for the night when I just had a good old fashioned cry. There are many times still when the thought of Aaron just causes my heart to drop and my eyes to well with tears. I expect that will last a lifetime, and I am okay with that. It goes back to the disability theory. I am learning to live with this loss, but there will still be times when my limitations are very evident.

Speaking of which, after our wonderful guests left us Monday morning, I kind of had the day off. Dale was still home from work, so he said for me to just rest, relax, regroup. He said that I at least earned the rest of the day off, if not more, after all the work I put in over the last week. So, after doing a little organization for school, a couple loads of laundry, I got into some comfy clothes, and enjoyed a day of mental and physical rest. I can't believe how tired I was, and didn't even realize it until then.

Today I was pretty much back in the saddle, though by the time supper was over I was so overwhelmed with the day that Dale told me to just call it good enough for today and put my feet up for a while. You know how it is.. juggling the schooling, catching up on laundry, orchestrating things mentally: "Benjamin you practice piano, Esther you do the stuff about Pennsylvania, Josiah do the Charlotte's Web unscramble, Elizabeth you read the George Washington book...etc." then switching it all around and making sure you record everything. Whew! Oh yeah, there was bread to make, Home Ec to do, Jerusha to chase, and Caleb to teach as well.

I also had to do some stuff on the computer for school, and home. I got to thinking that the girls are growing fast, and I need to be thinking about some sewing. I dug through my patterns and such and found several options for church dresses. I have to admit that just thinking about tackling that project gives me a headache and overwhelms me to no end.

I have a humongamous pile of laundry to fold and ironing to do. The kids folded all their stuff, but I never got to Dale's and mine. The carpets need vacuuming.. the floors need mopping... but oiy vey! I am out of energy for that today.

Somebody needs to keep reminding me to pace myself and take it slowly. (Yes mom, I hear you!!!! ) I forget and get going and then later pay for it. It must be that "all or nothing" gene.

There is our update for now. I will post a pic of the kids singing together tomorrow. I am on the wrong computer for that right now.

Rambling, Reeling, and Regrouping

Yesterday was a long, dark, emotional day. I think I wrote over twelve pages in my journal before I realized at 1:30am this morning that I was "reeling" again. I had that problem right after Aaron's birth, and it lasted several weeks. It subsided into a general restlessness in the evenings. Lately it has been more just awake and twiddling my thumbs wondering when I will fall asleep. It has been getting gradually better, so I am thankful.

Usually writing is theraputic for me but I kept going over the same paths of thought, just using different words. That is what "reeling" is. I haven't had that problem in many weeks, so it took me by surprise. The solution is to break the thought cycle. Your mind then can relax and you can move on to other things... like sleeping, in my case.

Today is a regroup day. Typically after a "crash" day I have a day where my mental capabilities are at a bare minimum. I can't even conjure enough "toomph" to get wound up about anything the kids may or may not be doing. I don't care if the schoolwork gets done. I don't care if the cooking gets done. I don't care... it takes too much energy.

Now before things look totally lame here, I have gotten a shower, organized and written down what schoolwork everyone needs to do, and have done two loads of laundry. Now I have my feet up and just having some regouping time, some rest time, some alone time (well, Jerusha is trying to do a headstand on the bed next to me). This afternoon I plan on taking a nap. Lord willing, that will be able to happen.

I don't understand how some people disdain the thought of having children. I have to sing their praises. Yesterday during my emotional crash, they were wonderful at keeping things going here. They did breakfast, kitchen clean up, folded laundry, schoolwork, kept track of the littles, and put up with my sobbing all day. They responded in immediate obedience when I gave directions. They worked quietly and got along well. As a parent I am used to finding what needs working on as far as their behavior goes. But yesterday, though they aren't perfect, all I say was what a wonderful blessing they are to me. They were truly a reward and a gift.

Another day of coping

And that is all I plan on doing today. Rough night last night, which was surprising, because in the evening I got to go for a walk, which was pleasant, even if it proved I was out of shape though I have lost around 35lbs since having Aaron. I had a peaceful evening and cross stitched until my eyes couldn't take it anymore. I actually got sleepy enough to go to bed around midnight.

It is funny how grieving can come back and bite you. You'd think the ending to the above story would be I slept good, had a restful night, and am off and running this morning ready to tackle anything that comes my way.

What really happened was that I ended up not falling asleep until several hours later, had a miserable night, restless sleep, and have had a morning of emotional turmoil, tears, and been through more tissues than anyone should be allowed. So, today the mantra is "just cope.. just exist... " and get through it one moment at a time.

I am glad that now not every day is like this. I have many days where I can "do" a lot and even get through the day with a great deal of productivity and grace. I can smile and enjoy the children and the sunshine and the fact that the geese are flying north and we saw a robin and we will be planting the garden before we know it. I know yesterday's post was a vent of sorts, and today's is gloomy too. Just for the record, everyday isn't like this. And even with a certain amount of emptiness inside my heart, there are plenty of days were I would say they were "good" days, meaning they were easier.

I just pray the day will go by quickly and that tomorrow will be better.

Taking a deep breath

It has been a little while since I posted about some of the raw feelings. It hasn't been that I haven't been having any, just that I was getting tired of writing the same thing over and over. If I was tired of writing it, I was sure you were tired of reading it. However in the interest of keeping things honest, I have to include this post of what has been on my heart today.

It has been almost 3 months. Maybe I have too high of expectations or something but I really thought I would feel better about losing Aaron by now. At least now I can go through the motions of a regular day, schooling, chores, etc without feeling totally overwhelmed. The "normal" stuff seems more normal, and doesn't feel so surreal or strange. But I still have this catch in my throat, and tears that come so easily, and a hurt in my heart like a black hole. I hate socializing with people. I don't mind doing stuff at home... cooking, laundry, taking care of the family, tickling the kids, cross stitching, etc. But I hate going to church, putting on even a small smile because I think I have to in order for everyone to know I am okay. But inside I am NOT smiling. I feel a little lost yet, still trying to stumble my way in learning how to be the Mama of 6 living children and one that has died. I still feel like I am trying to process the fact that Aaron is gone. My heart still cries out for him. So many times, like today, I just don't know how to be Mama of a stillborn son. I would much prefer the chaos of fitting in feeding times, extra diaper changes, crying of a newborn into our daily lives than trying to deal with the quietness that isn't supposed to be there.

Having posted Aaron's picture was like showing him off. I have had many responses to how beautiful he was. My mother's heart just cries and cries but it is proud too. He was adorable, and so perfect! He actually looked alot like Jerusha did when she was born, except he had more hair and was a little bigger.

I am trying not to focus on the hard parts of dealing with our loss. It could have been much worse. The Lord has shown graciousness to us in so many ways, big and small. I need to remember to dwell on God's goodness.

I kind of feel like I am past the appropriate grieving time, whatever that is. I wonder if people think I am grieving too long, but also realize that honestly, I don't care what they think. Nevertheless, I find myself trying to put on that smile, and act "normal", and keep my grieving to myself. Someone asks how I am doing and I answer most of the time, "just fine" and move on. That is still a hard question for me to answer. How am I doing? Maybe they should tell me! In all honesty, I think I am where I am supposed to be as far as grieving goes. And I am not talking about the world's standards. If I went by the world's standards I would be thinking I should be "over it" by now and just get on with things. Or I would be getting professional help because I'm NOT over it. Well, I don't have anything against professional help if you feel you need it. But I just need time, and understanding, and daily reminders that it is okay to grieve, to take the time I need, and go at my own pace. Dh says I tend to push myself too hard. On the days I feel more "gung ho" I push even harder, and try to get even more accomplished. Then there are those days I call "crash days". Those don't hit as often as they were, but when they do hit, just getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge and a half.

When does that empty feeling go away? Please tell me it DOES go away! I know I will always remember Aaron, and that there will always be times when the emotion of his memory gets stuck in my throat and leaks out through my eyes. But that yawning emptiness? When does that fill up with a zest for life again?

I know there are no concrete answers. Just prayer. That is greatly appreciated. Some of the pressure I am feeling is due to the Missions conference coming up next week. I know it will all go well, and Dale is a wonderful husband who has assured me he'll be there to do whatever he can to help and safeguard me. I have this all built up in my mind that I have to be superbaptistpreacher'swife and make sure the house is in Martha Stewart order, and whatever I do, no melting down or having to deal with grieving because goodness, that would mean I was human and not supermombaptistpreacher'swife.... anyway, you get the idea. Don't worry, Dale will have some sense talked into me before then and I won't be freaking out. The work doesn't scare me... I can handle the work. It is the whole social aspect of it. It is hard to explain, really. I don't mind the cleaning, and prep work, nor the cooking or dishes, etc. I think it is the prospect of being on "company behavior" for such a prolonged period of time and not feeling like I can "lose it" if I need to. They won't understand if I have to have some time to myself, or if I can't eat, or can't sleep, or cry for no apparent reason, or be short with the children, etc. Dale understands. When my mom was here she understood (sorry mom, you don't scare me! hehehehe). That may not make much sense, but that is an honest appraisal of my doubts and concerns.

Thank you for your kind responses and prayers. They are a great encouragement to me.

Aaron's Portrait

Here is the portrait of our son that was done by Bethany Kerr. She obviously has a wonderful talent from the Lord. The portrait is very accurate to what Aaron looked like in real life. We are looking into having it framed with the poem I wrote for him.



My mom came out with a surprise this weekend. She, my dad and stepmom, and brother and sis in law, went in together and had pendant made with Aaron's actual footprint. It was shrunk down to fit onto the necklace, and sculpted with laser. I recongnized it as Aaron's print right away. What a wonderful, thoughtful, gift. You can see how shiny the gold is. We tried to get it NOT to reflect, but it reflected everything to my shirt, the visual of the camera, with and without the flash. Okay, so we aren't professional photographers!



Dale and I went out on a date today and finally got his Christmas gift from me... a new suit. Well, it was two nice sports coats and a new pair of dress pants. You know you can't find a decent suit anywhere anymore? Unless you want to pay $500 or so. Ack. Sorry Mr. Armani, we aren't buying.

A Leap to a Milestone

Happy Leap Day everyone! Just think, we won't have another one for four years.

Today has been quite the day for me. I hit a milestone in the grieving process that was huge for me.

This morning I had my postpartum appointment with my midwife. I was fretful about it last night and fidgety. I was worried about whatever emotional impact it might make. Dale offered over and over to arrange for him driving me, but I insisted I could do it myself. So I did. On the way over I realized there wasn't any panic, or apprehension. Just a feeling of peace. That is due to three things. One is God's mercy towards me. The second is that prayer works. No doubt about it. Thirdly is that the relationship I have with the midwife and the assistant is that of friends, not just medical care provider and client. We had a nice visit, chatting for over and hour before we even did the check up. The assistant and I had a nice talk, comparing some grieving notes. She had lost a baby to almost identical circumstances that we did a few years ago.

I am thankful I can say that physically I am healthy. I am grateful I don't have any health complications to contend with in the midst of just trying to process the situation. My weight is down below what I started with at the beginning of the pregnancy, and my blood pressure excellent, and all the muscles and stuff are doing what they are supposed to be doing. I don't take that for granted, believe me.

After the appointment I decided I would tackle the errands I had written down. I had them prioritized so if I needed to just go home I could. The only thing we REALLY needed was milk, so I did that first. Then I went to Barnes and Nobles. I took my time, looking over the bargain tables. Then I went to Walmart. Oh my. That was total sensory overload. I had to get coffee and a few odds and ends. Dale had mentioned about picking out another lamp for in the bedroom so I did that. Well, in case I haven't mentioned it before, I have no capacity for making decisions anymore. The mental gymnastics I had to go through would have made you think I was trying to decide the fate of the nation.

I got home, and was mentally exhausted. I am so not used to that anymore! But the "huge" part of this is that it is a milestone for me. My first time out and about by myself.

The mail brought another pleasant addition to the day. Aaron's portrait. It is done, and it is beautiful. Now we have to decide where we are going to put it and have it professionally framed. The girls told me they would like it in the living room. I like that, too. I'm not afraid to show off my baby. They said that way they can look at it alot. I plan on having the poem I wrote for him framed with his portrait. Bethany Kerr did the portrait, and I cannot say enough what a talent God has given her. When we get it all framed I will post a pic of it here.

It has been a busy day. Dale got to be on duty for heading up the homeschooling today while I was off getting sensory overload like I was at the circus (well, given the usual busyness at Walmarts, I'm not sure that is an exaggeration).

Another blessing today was the weather. It was frigid overnight, but the skies were clear and blue and sunny this morning and while I was out. After I got home, it got quite gray and the wind picked up and it started snowing to beat the band. Funny thing... though I wouldn't have wanted to be driving in it, my kids were out there with snow suits, boots, etc. riding their bikes in a snowstorm.

In order to let my mind relax so I can fall asleep I plan on doing something that doesn't take much brain power tonight. I just can't decide what that will be. :)

Time for More Hot Chocolate

It has been a very, very busy day. I deep cleaned the kitchen. I took the knick knacks off the shelf and dusted them and the shelf, scrubbed down the microwave, toaster, coffee maker, counters, dish drainer, stove, fridge.. including clearing off the top and cleaning it really well. I washed all the bedding. I washed clothes. I cleaned the bathroom. All this along with the usual homeschooling, child training, meal getting, etc. Dale is still home, so yes, I did have his help, though he spent a good deal of time down stairs doing some work. This afternoon was a little less busy, thankfully.

Dale said earlier that he should have gotten me to slow down this morning. I need to remember to pace myself better. Tonight I am finding myself emotionally downcast and depressed some. For the last couple of days I have been on a cleaning spree along with our normal routines, and I think it has served purpose not only to get the main areas of our house clean, but also to push aside reality a bit. Now I am paying for it.

So, for the first time in a while I am using my favorite crutch... hot chocolate. No tea tonight. I need the hard stuff.

I wish I could speed up time a bit to get past some of the grieving process. But in all honesty, (I'm sure this is a given), I wouldn't have missed having Aaron for anything. Even though our time with him was short. Even though I am dealing with the emotional upheaval and ugly grieving process in the aftermath of his death, I am glad we had him. My arms still ache for him. My heart still feels so heavy for him. But I know we will adjust and we will rejoice in the warm, soothing memories of him in the future.

So pass the hot chocolate. I plan on loving him, grieving for him, and rejoicing and thanking the Lord for him.

The Path Less Well Travelled

As we go along on this journey, I am pondering the reality of stillbirths in our society. You don't hear about them much. I think as a whole, we don't like to face the unpleasantness of losing a child. Afterall, in the natural order of things, the children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. Sure, it is very difficult to lose your parent (my dh lost his dad about 4 1/2 years ago to a heart attack ). But you expect that someday you will outlive them. And somehow an adult dying is less of a shock than a child dying. Not that we miss my FIL any less, even after four and a half years. But to have to bury your own child just seems so very wrong, and so very heart wrenching.

If you do lose your child, say through still birth as we did, you suddenly find yourself in a group of people that are not acknowledged in some ways. People just don't want to face facts ... full term still births do happen, even in this day and age. It is not a club I ever wanted to be part of. And the membership is nonrevokable, and it is a lifetime membership.

As we go about dealing with the loss of Aaron, I continue to hear about others who have had stillbirths. Acquaintances, for the most part. I had wondered why I never realized how many ladies have been through this before. But then, how do you work up the loss of a child in everyday conversation? It isn't exactly something you blurt out while you are talking about the weather, or the latest sale at the grocery store. But when you know someone is going through what you have already been through, it opens a door. A door that can lead to blessing and understanding and healing. There is a saying that "misery loves company" but that is not what this is about. It is about knowing that others have survived the loss, have learned how to deal with it, have survived, yea, even thrived in the years after. It is about having someone to share with who really understands what it is like, who is empathetic to your raw emotions.


The path is not well travelled, but it IS travelled by more than you think. It is not a path I would have ever chosen to go down myself. Nor would I wish it on anyone else. But, it is good to know we don't walk alone.

Oh Puhleeeze!

I love how the Lord works. I was reading on some grief support sites tonight while everyone was at church. With all the children home and the craziness of life in general, I find it very hard to concentrate normally. So while they were gone I took advantage of the quiet. Anyhoo... I was pleased to see that my crazy mood swings, my numbness going from anger to crying to whatever was normal for grieiving. I know, you all told me that, but you all are such sweet ladies I wasn't sure if you would have told me truthfully if I should be getting ready for the men in white coats. Anyway, the more I read, the more I realized that yes, I am grieving heavily, but its okay... I will be okay.

Dh and children come home from church and after all the kids are in bed dh and I were chatting. He said that he was talking with the deacon and the deacon casually mentioned that he was concerned about me and that it was "okay, ya know, to get professional help."

I am doing a major, teenager-type eye roll here.

It is only 6 weeks since Aaron died. I am getting "take your time, grieve at your own pace" yadda yadda yadda. I am still wanting to stay in my safe zone here at home. I am still having some major mood swings, etc. I can, however, see that each week is getting better. But now, apparently, since I am not "all better" within a certain amount of time I need professional help??? I hope that is not what people are thinking! When I want to talk, I do. Mostly to my dh. When I don't want to talk, I don't. I told dh just to tell the deacon that I have already spent hours talking to a professional. (my dh is my pastor... doesn't that count?) In fact, as I think about it, my dh can do more for me than a stranger could.

I have had this feeling that people expect miracles to happen around the 1 month mark. I have heard many comments about "well, after about a month you'll feel better" or something along those lines. It has only been a month and a half. I spent over nine months getting to know Aaron, carrying him, sustaining his life, feeling his kicking, stretching, rolling, punching, and building all manner of hopes and dreams, and yet there are those that think that after a mere month, that I will be "all better", like I have some kind of illness.

Sorry if this is coming off as irritated, but I don't like it when people say one thing, then do another. Let's say I am depressed, but so what? Wouldn't some depression be natural in this situation? I am a grieving mother... a little depression is not unheard of, nor is it necessarily a bad thing.

Also, everyone grieves so differently. Some people jump into activities left and right, some can't get out of bed for weeks, some are somewhere inbetween. My main hang up right now has to do with leaving my safe zone. I don't want to be out in public amongst strangers. If I need to break down crying, I want to be somewhere I can do that without making a spectacle of myself.

So, there is my rant for the day. This day has been like that... the whole gamet of emotions. Anger, guilt, crying, needing to talk, needing to be alone... I think I hit everything today.

Heavy-Hearted Today

Today and yesterday have been "business as usual" for the most part. I have been able to get through the day and take care of the family. I can deal with laundry, and dishes, and schooling, and everything. But it is all getting done with a very heavy heart, and with no inspiration. Everything is bare minimum. I haven't really done anything creative with the homeschooling, just worksheets and writing in composition books, etc. We did history projects a couple weeks ago, but nothing fun and intersting since then.

Yesterday I spent the day in a fog. My mind just couldn't concentrate on anything. It was like a disembodied type of feeling, if that makes any sense. When I woke up in the morning and got moving, I knew right then and there I wouldn't be going to church at night. I was still shell-shocked from going Sunday night. The thought of going out is abhorrant to me right now. Now, having a few choice people IN, that isn't a problem. But they have to be on my "safe" list. They have to be someone who won't mind if I just meltdown for no reason.

I realized this morning that this is the last day of January. I say good riddance, personally. I hate to admit it, but I am glad to see it go. It means that more time has passed. It means I can flip the page on the calendar and get farther away from December 25th, 2007.

My brain wasn't as foggy today as yesterday. I did get to bed a lot earlier than the previous night, so I think that helped quite a bit. I had a fairly productive morning going about our regular routine... laundry, breakfast, chores, Bible reading, school work, read aloud time. I even remembered to get the crock pot going in the a.m. for supper. I think I had planned too much for schoolwork. We just plain didn't get to a couple of "electives", so we'll try to do them tomorrow. Fridays are usually lighter in the work load for school. We also have a play date tomorrow with my friend Lori and her granddaughter.

All through the day today my heart was just so heavy with thought of Aaron. It sounds like we had a perfectly "normal" day today. In outward appearance, yes. But in my spirit, I am so unsettled, and everyday tasks feel so strange. I feel like a intruder in someone else's life. I have no concentration. If one child is talking to me and another intterupts (oh, I'm sure my children are the only ones to do this!) I lose both threads of conversation. Totally. It is so frustrating. I don't even know how to answer a simple question like "how are you?". How am I? I have no clue. By outward appearance I would say "fine". But on the inside I just feel like one big empty, lonely, and heartbroken being. Almost like I am getting numb again emotionally.

The good news is that my dh is going to be laid off. I know.. weird that I say that. But I have been hoping this would happen. It is only a temporary lay off, for about 4 weeks. I am hoping we can get away for a week or so during the time he has off. I also have a very long "Honey-do" list that has been in the making since last October when we thought he was going on lay off and then never did. We can survive that long without his regular income. If we can work it out we will be going to Maine and the beach. Oh, just to smell that wonderful salty air again! It has been a long time. I may bring some school work for the gremlins to do while we are gone. Not a lot, but a little bit. Kind of depends on how long we will be gone. My dh said something about a week or two. Really? Two weeks would be great. I think that getting away for a little bit would be good for the family.

Another Little Step

Last night I finally went back to church. I debated over it for a while, then decided to just go. The church is right next door from us, so I went over a little late, hoping to miss the music part of the service. I was afraid the children would say something about me playing the piano, and frankly, I'm not ready for that yet.

I felt uneasy the whole time, but I have to say, the preaching was very good. I happen to be blessed to be sitting under the preaching of the best preacher I have ever known. Of course, I'm not biased at all!

Looking back, I should have stuck with my original plan. I was going to sneak out during the closing prayer. I wasn't really in the mood to hash over how I was doing, etc. However, I didn't bolt, but stuck around. Thankfully, Sunday nights there are very few of us so it wasn't too bad. But one man was talking to me me saying that the bathrooms need new towels, and we need to do an inventory in the kitchen and stock up paper plates and such, etc. etc. I kind of glazed over, thinking: "See, this is why I was reluctant to get back! Now everyone is going to think 'Oh, she is all better now!' ". I glazed over. But I realize that with this individual, it wasn't a pushy type of thing. It is his way of dealing with the situation, and in his own way he was trying to make everything seem normal as possible for me. In reality, this man and his wife would do anything in their power for us, and have been a huge blessing to us since the day we moved. I can't blame him. How would anyone know what to say? His wife kept saying how nice it was to see my smiling face again. Smiling? I didn't think my face was smiling. My heart certainly wasn't. But again, that was something she has always said to me... "nice to see your smiling face," or "good to hear your cheerful voice" or something like that. And again, I think it was more in effort to make things seem normal, not push me or make me uncomfortable.

So, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but not as good as I was hoping it would be. As far as Wednesday night goes... well, I'll worry about that when the time comes. (See mom, I AM listening!)

Today has been a normal, busy, Monday. Laundry, schooling, cooking, meal planning, preparing a grocery list, child training, etc. Everything was perfectly normal, but everything felt so strange. I am able to resume more of my normal home activities. Yay! But I can say, right now, I am at full capacity. The thought of taking anything else on right now is overwhelming, and I am thankful I am not in the position where I have to worry about it.

My quilting buddy Lori, stopped by after work and had a cup of tea with me and we chatted. She and her dh were at our church last night and she said she wanted to stop and see how I was doing. She could tell I was kind of like a deer in the headlights last night. She is one of those people you can just be yourself with. I am so comfortable talking with her. God has blessed me with a good friend!

I am guessing I will be able to get to bed earlier tonight. It has been a full day. In fact, after supper I just had to disappear and put my feet up for a bit. I was feeling quite low this morning, but not so bad now. Yes, my heart is still heavy over our loss, but I expect that. But overall, I would consider that between last night and today, another little step in our journey has been taken. Praise God for His goodness to us.

One month ago today....

The last couple days have been pretty good for us here. I have been able to do homeschooling and taking care of the littles, and meals and basic housework without having a total meltdown. Dh has been working full days. Wednesday was a little rough around the edges, but I was able to hold down the fort until Dh got home from work. It was kind of like finishing a race by going over the finish line, sliding on your face. It wasn't pretty, but I did it. Yesterday was a much more graceful finish.

I have had two nights of decent sleep. What a boon that has been! Yesterday we celebrated Jerusha's bday (thank to her SC cousins for the ecard, btw!), and though it was very low keyed it went well. Being her mother's daughter, the fact that we had cake was enough to make her day. :)

Our new normal is still being formed, but we are getting there. After two weeks of being back to school, I am finally getting used to it. There are many times when it seems so overwhelming that I kind of freeze up, but those times will decrease. I try to focus on one subject at a time, and no fancy stuff. We did do some history projects last week and that was fun. Next week we are starting a new curriculum with the "9 and unders"... it is the home ec. course from Pearables. Looks simple enough, and everything is all planned out. That is what I need right now. Even though everything in the curriculum is stuff I can teach them on my own, it is nice to have the brain work all done, and all we have to do is read and do the projects. Less for me to try and figure out.

Today has already been somewhat trying. Last night while dh and I were praying together before bed he mentioned the missions conference. Now that didn't register with me until this morning. Missions conference? I had myself in almost a panic attack. I can't hardly do the basics here, never mind a missions conference! That means playing music.. I haven't even done a note of music since Aaron died. Hospitality.. that means meal planning, major house cleaning, organizing things for guests who we have never met before... oh, stress, stress, stress. I had myself quite worked up over it. It isn't that I don't want to help with the missions conference, it is just that it is way more than I can handle right now. Then the guilt of not being able to do what I think I should... Anyway, you can see how this thought process was going for me. Then I realized that I didn't even know WHEN the conference was. We usually have it later in March. I talked to dh during his morning break and he lovingly reminded me to take things one step at a time here, and that there was no need to worry about something at least two months from now. No he didn't have a date set yet. In fact, he hasn't even decided on WHO to have for the special speaker yet. Anyway, he put my mind at ease about the whole thing and made me realize I was stressing about something that didn't need to be stressed about. He said the only thing I had to take care of was just taking little steps at a time. How did I get such a wise husband?

I have been out of sorts quite a bit this morning. I wonder if every 25th of the month is going to be like this? I wonder what the first year anniversary will be like. Is Christmas going to be morbid and unpleasant? Maybe this year, but I expect that will get better as time goes. My midwife made a good point when I was talking with her the other day. She said that the nice thing about it being on Christmas is that we'll most likely have family around. I hadn't thought about that. I mean, even later, when the kids are grown, most likely we'll try to get together for the holidays (as per our family custom) and we can always remember Aaron together, and give thanks together.

My goal today is to just get through the day. As soon as dh gets home I am cocooning myself in my room with hot some hot chocolate (yeah, mom, that's right, I said HOT CHOCOLATE! heheheheh) and engaging in some escapism activity... reading or watching a movie on the laptop. At least I can make it until dh gets home from work now. That is an improvement!

Lethargy

Today is Jerusha's 3rd birthday. I started thinking about it last night. Of course, thinking about Jerusha's wonderful birth got me thinking about Aaron. Instead of rejoicing in my daughter I am mourning over my son. Now, at her age, she doesn't care. When we said happy birthday to her this morning, her biggest concern was getting back to playing. So, I am guessing my being downcast isn't going to scar her for life, KWIM? We will be doing cake and presents tomorrow night anyway.

It isn't a "first" either, believe it or not. I was born on my mother's birthday, and that was four days after Aaron's.

I can't help but wonder if Jerusha's birthday, and remembering the wonderful expericence of her birth, in contrast with Aaron's, is triggering my mood today. I kept thinking about things last night, and didn't get to bed until 2am. this morning. Then I didn't drift off right away. When I did fall asleep, I did sleep very soundly.

This morning has not been going well. I just feel like giving up. I just don't have the energy to deal with children, and schoolwork, and trying to get through each long day. I don't have the energy to keep up with chores, child training, meals, etc. I just want to crawl up in a hole and just be left alone for a little while. I don't have the energy to try to explain anything more than once, and if you have children, you know many times you have to. I don't have the energy to make decisions, even simple ones.

I am supposed to "do the next thing" but I don't know what the "next thing" should be. And, you guessed it, I don't have the energy or ambition to figure it out.

So, there's today in a nutshell. Definately not going to be a record breaking day in the area of productivity.

Ups and Downs

We had a couple good days over the weekend. By "good" I mean "easier". Saturday afternoon we did some shopping as a family. Though that went pretty well, I had had enough by the time we got home. I'm a homebody anyway, I suspect that I am even more so now. My home is my safety zone, and anyone who has been through something like this knows what I mean.

Sunday I still didn't go to church, but was content. I knew this week would be just too much for me to handle as we had the monthly fellowship dinner after church. I thought about going in the evening but didn't feel up to it. Part of it is not wanting to be out of my safety zone right now. Also, another part of it is the quiet time I have when everyone else is at church. I hope that doesn't come across wrong. I love my family, and WANT them around, but the short times that they aren't are theraputic for me too. I definately wouldn't want them gone any more than they are. But sometimes I do need to be alone. I hope that makes sense. At any rate, Sunday was too bad, and I was thankful for that.

This morning was like ... BAM... again. I don't know why these days always catch me off guard. I think I expect that since I have had a couple of easier days, then I won't backtrack at all. Not so! I should know that by now. I must be a slow learner.

I have gone from being angry to frustrated, to just crying. Elizabeth joined me for a little while in the crying too. She said that she kept remembering Aaron's face. So I hugged on her, let her cry for a while, and I cried with her. After she started settling down she asked why Aaron's lips were so dark. I explained about how he never breathed after he was born, and about oxygenation, etc. We had explained it to the kids before, but I tried to make it as simple as possible. I wondered if she was frightened by his darkened skin, or if it was just missing him, or what. I asked Elizabeth about what she was feeling and she said that she missed Aaron. I told her I did too, and that was part of the reason why Mama was in such a bad mood today, and why I was crying so much, and why I wasn't in church lately, etc. I don't know if she understood it all (for that matter, I'm not sure if I understand it all!) but she seemed satisfied with the answer. We chatted for a few minutes about this and that, and then she got back to work.

Dale took a half day today and is home. I am so frustrated that I need him here. I just have no coping skills today. I feel totally immobilized. The breakfast dishes are still unwashed. I hadn't started school yet. I feel like a failure on every front..as a mom, a wife, as a homeschooler, etc. I just can't seem to pull it together today for anything. Even just doing "one thing" is too much for me to think about. Today is definately a hard day. The way I am going to cope is to not to cope... I need to turn off my brain for a while. I usually do this "reeling" thing at night.. the going over and over in your head about what has happened. It is triggered by anxiety, or stress. or both.. good or bad.

My mind keeps going over the same thing.. I miss Aaron. Plain and simple. I also keep thinking about what a waste and failure this day has been. The crying. The yelling at the kids. Is this what they are going to remember when they grow up? Are they going to hate me when they are older because what a shrew I am now? My frustration at having to have Dale here. That is ever present. I knew I absolutely needed him here. But guilt is ever present with whatever I do or decide to do these days. Seems like there are no right answers. If I do it, I feel guilty. If I don't, then I feel guilty. I know that is a trick of satan. But right now it doesn't change how I am feeling. I don't feel like a very strong Christian or person. I am more like a piece of wet tissue paper.

So, the "reeling" goes on and on today, starting early this morning. Nothing got it off track yet. I tried writing in my journal... many pages later I finally gave up and banned myself from writing in the journal again today. When I am done here, I am done writing for the rest of the day. Usually the writing is very good for me, but it seems to be making things worse. Probably because I keep writing about what I am thinking. I'm sure you see the problem.

So, that is why I say I need to turn off my brain. I will try reading, and if that doesn't work then I am popping in a movie on this laptop and holing up in my room until I can act civilly towards my family. They deserve better than they are getting from me lately.

That is where I am today. I know this is just one more day in a long journey, and I trust those who have gone before me and know the road, and tell me it will get better as I go. I am just taking this one step at a time, trusting God to help me through it.

One Step Forward, 5 Steps Backward

If I am going to honestly post about the journey we are on, it will have to be the good, the bad and the ugly. Warning: what you are about to read falls under the "ugly" category.

Today was a whopper of a day for me emotionally. By 9am, I crying earnestly, and didn't stop until almost lunchtime. Dh ended up coming home early. I appreciated that more than I can say. There is nothing he can do or say, but just being here was huge to me. Yes, I tried to still handle school and such. Afterall, I'm supermom right? Afterall, I must be "getting better" by now? Right? Afterall, I am the pastor's wife so that means I am a super strong person and Christian and I can leap the trials of life in a single bound, right? After 3 whole weeks, I should realize that life goes on, and be back to normal,right?

Do me a favor, and don't answer that.

My emotions have been downright RAW yesterday and today. Today is way worse than yesterday. Excuse my sarcasm, and borderline blasphemy here. Like I said, today's entry is under "ugly". But I promised to be honest in my postings and I know what I am writing doesn't paint a pretty picture.

A friend of mine who lives in IN. called me during naptime. She had gotten our Christmas letter that I sent out earlier in December. However, she had not heard anything else about us or the baby. So,I had to go through the telling of Aaron's death again. She wept with me, and was very sweet. Then she told me the reason she called was because she had heard that a mutual friend of ours had her baby. Well now, that is intersting, because this mutual friend was supposed to call me when she had the baby! She was the same one that was going to help with Aaron's birth ( she had been to two of my previous ones ) and be my doulah. Well, I figured she must have had the baby this morning and was doing all the phone calls, trying to rest, etc. So I figured if I hadn't heard from her by Saturday I would call her. Anyway, ends up one of her older dd's called us a little before supper and gave us the good news. I am so happy for them! But after I hung up the phone I cried and cried and felt terrible for crying which made me cry more. I mean, here a dear friend has a healthy baby (boy I might add) and my response is to cry? What kind of selfish beast am I? I wouldn't never wish the experience we had on anyone, much less someone I consider close enough to be my sister!

As far as I am concerned this day can't end quickly enough. This day has been very long, very hard, and I feel like I have been body slammed back to three weeks ago.

There is an old negro spiritual that says:
There is a balm in Gilead
That makes the wounded whole,
There is a balm in Gilead
That heals the sin- sick soul.

Indeed, He does heal the sin sick soul. But there is no balm for this wound. Nothing can make it go away. Sure thing that kind words, thoughtfulness, and encouragement from others can help soothe it a bit, but it's still there. From what I understand, this kind of hurt doesn't go away. This isn't a "get better" thing like an illness.

The Bible talks about the prayers of the saints being a sweet savor unto the Lord. But what about the tears from the broken heart of a mother who has buried her baby? What about the prayers she wants to pray but cannot utter the words? Jesus wept on earth, does He weep in Heaven when we weep here? Does He share our grief WITH us while we are apart?

The Bible also says that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. This yoke does not feel easy or light.

Please understand... I am not shaking my fist in the face of God, I am not railing against him.. I am crying out for Him. David bore his heart in the Psalms. I am doing the same. I don't understand why He took Aaron. I never wanted to be part of this journey. I could ask why, but what good would that do? To be honest the "why" of it all doesn't even matter to me.

One of my dd's says to me every night before she goes to bed "Good night Mama. I love you. I hope you feel better in the morning."

It is sweet, to be sure. But it got me thinking... this is not a "get well soon" situation. Like I said before, this is not an illness. I don't have an injury that needs to heal. I think my dad put it quite well when he said that it is like having a disability. You need to learn how to live with it, have a new normal. I have heard other ladies who have been on similiar journeys say that you become a different mommy than what you were before. I can believe it. I just hope who I am now isn't going to be permanent. I am cranky. Irritable. I am yelling at my children. I am angry. I am sad. I cry all the time. This is not who I want to be.

I was born with a hole in my heart. It closed up and healed when I was a baby, thankfully. But I feel like I buried a piece of me with Aaron, and now there is another hole. I am a new mommy, but I don't know who I am. I am on a new path, but I don't know how navigate it or if I am even going in the right direction at this point. I am supposed to find a new normal for our life, but I don't know how to adapt. I am supposed to have "joy in the Lord" but all I want to do is cry. I am supposed to be content to grieve at my own pace, but I am frustrated that I still feel as I do.

I hardly know how to answer simple questions. "How are you?". Ummm... then in my mind I am trying to figure out if they really want to hear how I really am, or are they looking for a quick, pat answer? Maybe I should just answer "read my blog", eh?

This post is so morose, and so ugly, I am seriously thinking about deleting this entry. But I promised to be honest, and there it is.

The rest of the story:
I cannot leave this with just the above rantings. The Lord has given me encouragement in my spirit, and physically. Yesterday we got that flower arrangement. We did get the GOOD news of my friend having had her baby. Despite my turbulent emotions, I still am happy for her! And there are people in my life that I can just cry with, pour out my heart to, etc. There is a release in that. The Lord has given me a husband who is with me all the way on this. He is willing to be there for me to cry on, rant to, etc. And I know the Lord is with us in this. I know He only does what is good for us, though right now I can't see the "good". He can. He knows. Will not the Judge of all the earth do right? Indeed He will. Lord, help Thou my unbelief!