For the last several nights I have heard peepers out back. The sound of that makes me think of my mom's house. Except..not so loud. The peepers she has would deafen you. Ours are much more pleasant to listen to. Their evening song blends in nicely with the warming air, lulling you to sleep. I also couldn't help but notice the tulips coming up along the church walkway. Ahhh spring.
Except something is missing. I don't feel the usual exuberance. In fact, the more Spring-y things get, the more resistant I am to embrace it. I just don't feel ready. Dale said it could be a reluctance to have more distance between myself and Aaron as afar as time and events go. That could be. The change of "his" season to spring marks yet more passage of time. The more time that passes it seems like I am more and more the only one that even remembers his birth and death. I know it isn't going to make an impact on others as it does to me. I understand that, and don't expect anyone else to really grieve like I do, or miss him like I do. It isn't that. It is just seems like others conveniently overlook the whole situation and babble on and on about trivial stuff that I couldn't care less about. Yes, I am back doing music. That doesn't mean I am "over it". Nor is it a cover up for how I am feeling. I am doing music again because now it seems right. It's as simple as that. It doesn't take away any of the pain, nor does it add to it. But it is enjoyable again.
I am still in some pretty deep grieving and it disturbs me to think that other people may assume that I am not bothered by Aaron's death anymore, or that it is on the back burner of my mind. Believe me, he is not. Everyday he is at the front of my memory and thoughts. This morning while in the shower I was thinking again that I should be listening for the cry of a baby; they always seem to be hungry when mama is in the shower or just sitting down to eat. Or when working on schooling, or doing dishes, or cutting out a bunch of fabric, that I should have been interrupted by a hungry baby, or changing his diaper, or rocking him, or playing with him. I know from experience the complications of homeschooling, baking, washing clothes, doing ANYTHING with a baby in the house. I miss it. Especially when I keep thinking that Aaron "should" be here cooing, and smiling, maybe starting to roll over, or whatever milestones he may have reached by 3 1/2 months.
So, I try to keep busy to help keep my mind off of those things. I'd like to say it is working, but the only thing it is accomplishing is keeping the fidgets away.
Dale fears I am overdoing and continues to encourage me to take "alone time" in the evenings. I obey, and never have regretted it. I usually don't realize it until I get in my "safe place" with my feet up and the cross stitching out, how much I needed to get away for a little while.
Tonight I was pondering all of this and thinking ahead that since Spring has sprung, I should start thinking about the garden. Some of the children have already requested certain crops. Pumpkins seem to be very popular this year. I am planning a memorial garden too, and the girls asked if they could plant petunias. Why not? I was looking through a magazine this evening and came across a memorial resin stone that said: "Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart, God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart." Well, that started a flood of tears I haven't had in a while. I just cried and cried, and couldn't stop! Dale heard me and came in to hold me and let me just cry it out. After I got under control we were able to chat a bit. I'm glad I have him!
On a more practical note, I finished Jerusha's jumper and she wore it today. She was well pleased with it. I will post a pic tomorrow, as Dale is on the puter with the pics on it. I also started cutting out the twins' pinafore dresses for our matching outfits. I will sew those up first, then move onto Jerusha's dress, then mine. When I get them all completed we'll have Dale take a pic and we'll post it here.
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