Such is life. You take several steps forward, then one or two back. Some days it seems like several. Some days maybe half a step. Thankfully, as I look back over the last three months, I see a general trend of moving forward in the grieving process. There are ups, and some very sharp and steep descents, but over all, it seems that things are moving in a healthy direction. Frankly, where I am now, and what I am able to do now, is nowhere I thought I would be. A couple months ago I never would have predicted my walk now. What I mean to say, is that a couple months ago I was completely immobilized with grief, and filled with a great emptiness.. if that makes any sense. Now I am able to do much more than I thought I would be able to at this point.
In fact, for the last week plus a few days I have been on the run from the time I wake up until late at night. First with the preparations for the conference amidst everyday life, then with the conference itself. All the misgivings and uncertainties I had regarding housing missionaries proved to be complete and unadulterated horse-hocky.
It all worked out, as you all and deep down I knew it would. Only about half the family was able to come this time. This worked to my advantage in a couple of obvious ways. One was on the practical side of things in that there wouldn't be as many people to feed and take care of. Though the missionary family was very mannerly, and helpful, you feel the burden of responsibility as hostess. The other way it worked out was that without Mrs. Rooney being there, I wasn't "on" for entertaining, really. My dh and Mr. Rooney chatted for hours and went soul winning and whatnot. But if I wanted to go take a nap I could, without wondering if I should just sit and visit. In fact, it did happen twice that I had opportunity to escape to my bedroom and chill out by myself. One day I even took a nap. :)
I did strike up a friendship with the oldest daughter that came along. She played the piano (VERY well, I might add) for us at the meetings. She also did special music with the kids. She and I did a flute/piano duet and a violin duet on another night.
Therein lies the "Breakthrough" part of this. Up until now I haven't been able to even think about playing any instruments. But with someone to actually play with, I was able to get through that, and enjoy it again. I found out, after taking out a special arrangement book for piano yesterday, that I am very rusty at piano solos. So, I will just take my time and practice something just for the fun of it.
As for the Break Down part, I did have one night after we retired for the night when I just had a good old fashioned cry. There are many times still when the thought of Aaron just causes my heart to drop and my eyes to well with tears. I expect that will last a lifetime, and I am okay with that. It goes back to the disability theory. I am learning to live with this loss, but there will still be times when my limitations are very evident.
Speaking of which, after our wonderful guests left us Monday morning, I kind of had the day off. Dale was still home from work, so he said for me to just rest, relax, regroup. He said that I at least earned the rest of the day off, if not more, after all the work I put in over the last week. So, after doing a little organization for school, a couple loads of laundry, I got into some comfy clothes, and enjoyed a day of mental and physical rest. I can't believe how tired I was, and didn't even realize it until then.
Today I was pretty much back in the saddle, though by the time supper was over I was so overwhelmed with the day that Dale told me to just call it good enough for today and put my feet up for a while. You know how it is.. juggling the schooling, catching up on laundry, orchestrating things mentally: "Benjamin you practice piano, Esther you do the stuff about Pennsylvania, Josiah do the Charlotte's Web unscramble, Elizabeth you read the George Washington book...etc." then switching it all around and making sure you record everything. Whew! Oh yeah, there was bread to make, Home Ec to do, Jerusha to chase, and Caleb to teach as well.
I also had to do some stuff on the computer for school, and home. I got to thinking that the girls are growing fast, and I need to be thinking about some sewing. I dug through my patterns and such and found several options for church dresses. I have to admit that just thinking about tackling that project gives me a headache and overwhelms me to no end.
I have a humongamous pile of laundry to fold and ironing to do. The kids folded all their stuff, but I never got to Dale's and mine. The carpets need vacuuming.. the floors need mopping... but oiy vey! I am out of energy for that today.
Somebody needs to keep reminding me to pace myself and take it slowly. (Yes mom, I hear you!!!! ) I forget and get going and then later pay for it. It must be that "all or nothing" gene.
There is our update for now. I will post a pic of the kids singing together tomorrow. I am on the wrong computer for that right now.
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