That about sums it up here. Our schedule has been crazy lately. I mean the "at home" schedule. We are in the throes of our end of the year projects for school, planning our gardens, ordering books for next term, etc. Not to mention the usual hum of a family full of active children.
Moodiness... yeah, that's me. I have been in what my mom lovingly calls a "funk" since the last post. It seems I am entering a new phase to grieving. I am uncertain what to label it. It involves a wide swing of emotions (as if it didn't before) but it seems to be getting worse, not better. I have had more crying and meltdowns in the last week than I have had in the last month, it seems. I continue to have very vivid flashback and memories of Aaron, and when we found out he had died, and the ugly aftermath. The more we get into spring, the more I brace myself against it. I don't want to get on with life yet, I don't want to move forward, I don't want embrace spring. I'm not ready to "let go" yet, if that makes any sense.
Busyness... oh, the normal routines of homeschooling, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and now a new dimension has been added in my mornings as I have been hanging out laundry. I know, that doesn't seem like a big deal. It is fine, I don't mind it, believe me. But It takes about half an hour or so, depending on how much there is that day. Mornings are extremely busy, so I have had to adapt to that in the schedule. Mornings are and intense mixture of whatever I need to do with the kids for school, laundry, kitchen clean up from breakfast, etc. In the afternoons, I try to do less intensive activities like mending or sewing. When supper is over, my day is pretty much done for now. Dale continues to enforce my "feet up" time in the evenings. In fact, due to the rough past week, he has started enforcing that when he gets home. Anything that isn't done by then has to wait. Oh, and on top of all of that, I have been potty training Jerusha.
Not that I mind. After pushing, pushing, pushing for several weeks, I have seen the ugly effects of that so I am trying to be good about pacing things out more, and not feeling guilty for taking the time for myself.
I still have a hard time with brain work. Seriously, this bothers me. It takes all manner of mental gymnastics to orchestrate school, research work on the computer, music practice, sewing projects, sharing whatever reading books they need to for a lesson, etc. And that is before lunch. After lunch, if I am organized in the morning, the children can do their individual work, mostly without me. Mondays are the worst though, because that is naturally a high organizational day for me. I plan the week's menu, so I can do up the shopping list. I plan a good portion of the schoolwork for the week, though not all of it. I try and catch up on laundry form the weekend, and email. I work up any thematic unit study pages we need that week. That is a lot of brain work for someone like me. I am definitely scatterbrained these days.
It takes me twice as much brain power to do anything compared to what it used to take. If I have to repeat myself or do any kind of organizational acrobatics if something changes, then it really tires me out, makes me very cranky, etc. I find I get overwhelmed very easily now. What used to be welcome challenges in the schedule are now something akin to emotional bombs. Can you say , "critical mass" ?
On the bright side, I am still working on our matching dresses for church, and enjoying it. I can tell, because I keep bemoaning the fact that I am not getting in as much sewing time as I want. I am also enjoying music playing and such still, and again, have the same happy problem as with the sewing. In fact, on the immediate future list for music is : Sunday morning two of my children and I will be doing an instrumental trio. Benjamin on the piano, Elizabeth on the recorder, and me on the flute. Sunday night Elizabeth has a flute solo. I have a special offertory almost ready, and started on another. We are working on a family song. I am also almost ready with a violin solo.
We are busy, to be sure. Not a moment goes by that my thoughts aren't on Aaron. I can't help but wonder what milestones he may have hit by now. Things don't really feel "normal" yet. It is too soon to expect that. But at least I can function with some grace and confidence now, even if it all still seems meaningless sometimes. I still resist the changing of the seasons, which is ridiculous I know. It is strange that even amidst the sorrow there is God's peace. And I know some of these posts seem so dark and so sad, but know that there is no doubt in my mind that God's love hasn't ceased, His provision is evident. He is my Healer, My Counsellor. And yes, He doeth all things well.
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