Oh Puhleeeze!

I love how the Lord works. I was reading on some grief support sites tonight while everyone was at church. With all the children home and the craziness of life in general, I find it very hard to concentrate normally. So while they were gone I took advantage of the quiet. Anyhoo... I was pleased to see that my crazy mood swings, my numbness going from anger to crying to whatever was normal for grieiving. I know, you all told me that, but you all are such sweet ladies I wasn't sure if you would have told me truthfully if I should be getting ready for the men in white coats. Anyway, the more I read, the more I realized that yes, I am grieving heavily, but its okay... I will be okay.

Dh and children come home from church and after all the kids are in bed dh and I were chatting. He said that he was talking with the deacon and the deacon casually mentioned that he was concerned about me and that it was "okay, ya know, to get professional help."

I am doing a major, teenager-type eye roll here.

It is only 6 weeks since Aaron died. I am getting "take your time, grieve at your own pace" yadda yadda yadda. I am still wanting to stay in my safe zone here at home. I am still having some major mood swings, etc. I can, however, see that each week is getting better. But now, apparently, since I am not "all better" within a certain amount of time I need professional help??? I hope that is not what people are thinking! When I want to talk, I do. Mostly to my dh. When I don't want to talk, I don't. I told dh just to tell the deacon that I have already spent hours talking to a professional. (my dh is my pastor... doesn't that count?) In fact, as I think about it, my dh can do more for me than a stranger could.

I have had this feeling that people expect miracles to happen around the 1 month mark. I have heard many comments about "well, after about a month you'll feel better" or something along those lines. It has only been a month and a half. I spent over nine months getting to know Aaron, carrying him, sustaining his life, feeling his kicking, stretching, rolling, punching, and building all manner of hopes and dreams, and yet there are those that think that after a mere month, that I will be "all better", like I have some kind of illness.

Sorry if this is coming off as irritated, but I don't like it when people say one thing, then do another. Let's say I am depressed, but so what? Wouldn't some depression be natural in this situation? I am a grieving mother... a little depression is not unheard of, nor is it necessarily a bad thing.

Also, everyone grieves so differently. Some people jump into activities left and right, some can't get out of bed for weeks, some are somewhere inbetween. My main hang up right now has to do with leaving my safe zone. I don't want to be out in public amongst strangers. If I need to break down crying, I want to be somewhere I can do that without making a spectacle of myself.

So, there is my rant for the day. This day has been like that... the whole gamet of emotions. Anger, guilt, crying, needing to talk, needing to be alone... I think I hit everything today.