It has been a little while since I posted about some of the raw feelings. It hasn't been that I haven't been having any, just that I was getting tired of writing the same thing over and over. If I was tired of writing it, I was sure you were tired of reading it. However in the interest of keeping things honest, I have to include this post of what has been on my heart today.
It has been almost 3 months. Maybe I have too high of expectations or something but I really thought I would feel better about losing Aaron by now. At least now I can go through the motions of a regular day, schooling, chores, etc without feeling totally overwhelmed. The "normal" stuff seems more normal, and doesn't feel so surreal or strange. But I still have this catch in my throat, and tears that come so easily, and a hurt in my heart like a black hole. I hate socializing with people. I don't mind doing stuff at home... cooking, laundry, taking care of the family, tickling the kids, cross stitching, etc. But I hate going to church, putting on even a small smile because I think I have to in order for everyone to know I am okay. But inside I am NOT smiling. I feel a little lost yet, still trying to stumble my way in learning how to be the Mama of 6 living children and one that has died. I still feel like I am trying to process the fact that Aaron is gone. My heart still cries out for him. So many times, like today, I just don't know how to be Mama of a stillborn son. I would much prefer the chaos of fitting in feeding times, extra diaper changes, crying of a newborn into our daily lives than trying to deal with the quietness that isn't supposed to be there.
Having posted Aaron's picture was like showing him off. I have had many responses to how beautiful he was. My mother's heart just cries and cries but it is proud too. He was adorable, and so perfect! He actually looked alot like Jerusha did when she was born, except he had more hair and was a little bigger.
I am trying not to focus on the hard parts of dealing with our loss. It could have been much worse. The Lord has shown graciousness to us in so many ways, big and small. I need to remember to dwell on God's goodness.
I kind of feel like I am past the appropriate grieving time, whatever that is. I wonder if people think I am grieving too long, but also realize that honestly, I don't care what they think. Nevertheless, I find myself trying to put on that smile, and act "normal", and keep my grieving to myself. Someone asks how I am doing and I answer most of the time, "just fine" and move on. That is still a hard question for me to answer. How am I doing? Maybe they should tell me! In all honesty, I think I am where I am supposed to be as far as grieving goes. And I am not talking about the world's standards. If I went by the world's standards I would be thinking I should be "over it" by now and just get on with things. Or I would be getting professional help because I'm NOT over it. Well, I don't have anything against professional help if you feel you need it. But I just need time, and understanding, and daily reminders that it is okay to grieve, to take the time I need, and go at my own pace. Dh says I tend to push myself too hard. On the days I feel more "gung ho" I push even harder, and try to get even more accomplished. Then there are those days I call "crash days". Those don't hit as often as they were, but when they do hit, just getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge and a half.
When does that empty feeling go away? Please tell me it DOES go away! I know I will always remember Aaron, and that there will always be times when the emotion of his memory gets stuck in my throat and leaks out through my eyes. But that yawning emptiness? When does that fill up with a zest for life again?
I know there are no concrete answers. Just prayer. That is greatly appreciated. Some of the pressure I am feeling is due to the Missions conference coming up next week. I know it will all go well, and Dale is a wonderful husband who has assured me he'll be there to do whatever he can to help and safeguard me. I have this all built up in my mind that I have to be superbaptistpreacher'swife and make sure the house is in Martha Stewart order, and whatever I do, no melting down or having to deal with grieving because goodness, that would mean I was human and not supermombaptistpreacher'swife.... anyway, you get the idea. Don't worry, Dale will have some sense talked into me before then and I won't be freaking out. The work doesn't scare me... I can handle the work. It is the whole social aspect of it. It is hard to explain, really. I don't mind the cleaning, and prep work, nor the cooking or dishes, etc. I think it is the prospect of being on "company behavior" for such a prolonged period of time and not feeling like I can "lose it" if I need to. They won't understand if I have to have some time to myself, or if I can't eat, or can't sleep, or cry for no apparent reason, or be short with the children, etc. Dale understands. When my mom was here she understood (sorry mom, you don't scare me! hehehehe). That may not make much sense, but that is an honest appraisal of my doubts and concerns.
Thank you for your kind responses and prayers. They are a great encouragement to me.
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