Thursday, October 9, 2008

Pregnancy ramblings, everyday life, and mourning collide

Our days have been full of activity, but the normal, everyday, activity at a reasonable level of busyness. Homeschooling and chores, and baking, and sewing and everything else that goes along with raising children, have kept our days full. I'm glad for that! I've started walking slowly, a little at a time again, with no ill effects, for which I am thankful. The children have been making it a habit to get up at the crack of dawn, or before, when Dale gets up for work. They do their Bible reading then start work on their schoolwork. The result is that by the time I'm up and haven't even finished my coffee yet is that they have a pile of schoolwork done for the day! I'm glad they have that initiative. There are things they can't do without me, like some research we are doing on the computer, for example, or obviously they can't practice piano or recorder that early. But they try and get as much of their independent work out of the way they can.

Yesterday they spent some time out in the garden harvesting the sunflower seeds. They noticed the birds eating them, so they took a bucket out to pick some. We will use them to put in our little bird feeder that Benjamin made during VBS this summer throughout the winter. Next for the garden is plucking up all the used up sunflower plants, corn stalks, and digging up the carrots. Then we will be getting a load of manure to spread. Over that we will put a thin layer of leaves, which are falling very quickly this year it seems! It will rest over the winter, and Lord willing, before it is plowed next year we'll get a little more fertilizer and lime in it.

My sewing is progressing slowly it seems. I hope to be able to spend a good deal of time on it today. I spent the last day doing what I call "prep work" for the sewing. I made the back ties for the dresses, got the interfacing on the collars, cut the contrast fabric ruffles for the collar, etc. Today I hope to get the back ties sewed on, fronts sewed to the backs, and at least a good start on getting the collars put together.

Tuesday in the mail I received an order I had placed with Ringger Clothing. I HIGHLY recommend her site. If you sign up for the everyday emails, you can get some good deals that she advertises in those. I ordered two jumpers (one for each of the twins) and a maternity skirt for myself. I have to say I am very pleased with the fit and comfort of the garments, and the quality of the workmanship. I wore the skirt yesterday and it was very comfy, had plenty of room for expansion. The twins love their new jumpers as well. Amy Ringger and I emailed back and forth quite a bit over the order, and she was very pleasant to work with. The garments arrived quickly too, and caught me be surprise. It was my intention to have a pic taken yesterday but never got a round to it. We'll be wearing them again soon, so I'll have our pics taken then. I love to do our own sewing, but sometimes I get so far behind I just need a little help. :)

It is funny how everything can be going along fine, peacefully, and then BAM! Just like that the waterworks turn on. Last night was one of those nights. The kids were all in bed, and Dale and I were reading in bed, and just all of sudden I just needed to cry! I had these flashbacks of when we lost Aaron going very clearly through my head.. what it felt like to find out he was gone, what the aftermath was like, and it hurt like it did last winter! Then I started to have a real fear for this pregnancy. I just don't think I can take it if we lose this baby. I know God doesn't give you the grace for trials until you get there, but just thinking about it near drove me to a panic.

And, as usual, emotions run opposite of each other. Whenever one of the kids kiss my rounding tummy, I want to say "don't get too attached just yet". But I don't, of course. I try to focus on the positive.. that they love babies, that they have a simple faith in God. They can live in the moment and not worry about what may or may not happen. They are so matter of fact about it! A couple weeks ago Josiah turned to me and said "I hope this baby doesn't die, like Aaron did." Then went on doing his schoolwork. I think I responded "Me too!" or something like that. Then Josiah said "Well, if he does, at least we know God is still in control." Out of the mouth of babes!

I go from trying to skim over the surface of hope. Every time the baby kicks, or has the hiccups, I try not to get overly hopeful about the birth. At the same time, I try to enjoy every moment so if something does happen, then at least I can look back on the pregnancy with some joy. It is a hard balance to find.

Back to last night... after Dale hugged me for a while, we talked a bit about things. As I was blowing my nose for the hundredth time the baby started kicking my arm that was draped across my belly. I put Dale's hand on the spot and he was rewarded with several very strong kicks. Now, he has felt babies kicking before, but he hasn't felt this one this strongly yet. The baby likes to kick hard, then move so it has been a bit tricky getting Dale's hand in the right spot. Last night was really the first time he felt the baby kick so well. His eyes popped open wide with surprise, and said "Wow! That was a good one! You're going to be bruised on the inside!" I responded.. "Just think of what that will be like in a couple more months!" But really, each time the baby kicks, I appreciate it and enjoy it.

Overall I would say everything is going smoothly as possible, and that there are just these little pockets of time when I just need to cry and get it out of my system because I am feeling overwhelmed by it all. I still try to maintain an emotional equilibrium as much as possible, which takes more and more energy as time goes on.

Well, that is where I am.. at least for now.

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