I am sure most everyone who is a Christian is familiar with the words to that hymn and the verses they are taken from. God's mercies are new every morning. I have found that to be true on a deeper level than ever before. Will there ever be a morning again that I don't wake up and cry? I believe so. What is comforting to me is not that fact that I will be able to cope better, but that God is so much with me NOW when I can't cope very well. He is here now, this morning.. yesterday morning... every morning. Every minute He sees my heart. He truly cares about my heartache. He gives us times of laughter. He gives us the comfort of friends and family. He doesn't take us around the waters, but through the waters, the flood, and the fire.
We hit a milestone... we made it past the funeral and graveside service. There are no words that go far enough to describe the excruciating realization of "finality" when I kissed his casket and put a flower on it... then turned to walk away. I thought the funeral would be the worst... but that was beyond what I had imagined. I know it wasn't really Aaron in that casket.. just a shell his soul lived in for a very short time. I fully understand that. Aaron is rejoicing with Jesus. The point is... God didn't give us a time warp to get past that point. He was there with us. Helped us through it. Sustained us when our own strength failed.
I feel like I am living in a fog now. But I know over time the fog will thin out. Not lift, exactly, but will thin out until a new "normal" is reached. Meanwhile, I am trying to take care of my body, as I have some physical healing to do after what was a taxing birth, emotionally and physically. I have my other 6 children to keep a reality check on everything. It is impossible to be depressed all the time when witnessing their antics. What would I do without them?
Thankfully, I have no bitterness, and pray for that to continue. Babies, children, young toddlers... they are like medicine to my soul. My sister in law brought her 3 month old to the funeral. They had called my dh ahead of time to see if they should. Well, why not? She's my neice, a miracle in herself after being born 8 weeks prematurely. I am happy for them. I don't feel pain when I hold her, or see her. I am just... grateful. No, bitterness is not a problem.
But guilt is. Should I have done something? NOT done something more? Every check up gave me and baby a clean bill of health. There were no warning signals. Nothing. But... did I miss something? What it boils down to, did I cause my own baby's death? That is torturous to me, and my dh and I agreed not to go down that road. It doesn't lead anywhere we want to go. In reality, there was nothing I could have done. We don't know all the facts. There was no problem indicated at anytime.
So, every morning His mercies are new to me. He sustains me when I dissolve into tears. He gave me a dh whose shoulder is always ready to be cried on even at 3 a.m. It is utterly impossible to ignore God's hand in every step of this journey so far. So many things have to come together, or was timed perfectly (what the world calls a "coincidence"), or provisions given. We are blessed and humbled by the outpour of love and prayers from our friends, family, and community, both in real life and online.
Thank you ladies for your support and prayers! It was a pleasure to meet Leah and Heather, and I thank them for making the trip down here for the funeral. Leah printed about a million pages of messages from the ladies from CMOMB. My dh read thru them and cried. I haven't yet... but will be working up the courage to do so soon. Thank you so much!
Oh, one more thing before I end this novel for today. I know some have been asking about sending a monetary gift. Please don't! The Lord has already provided for all the expenses, plus some. The plus some will be going towards a good locket to put a lock of hair in from Aaron. Also, we plan on sending one of our pictures of Aaron to an artist and have a portrait done. For the more immediate furture we will be making a memory box. If ever the children want to be reminded of their baby brother, or see his picture or mementoes, we'll have a special box for his pics, prints, the story of his birth, funeral momentoes, etc. We can just sit down and remember and praise God for being faithful to us in all things.
He doeth all things well.
No comments:
Post a Comment