I haven't mentioned Aaron in a while. That isn't because we have forgotten him, or pushed his memory far from our thoughts. Actually, in some ways it has been the opposite. With Isaac around, it reminds of what we have and are missing with Aaron. I keep thinking there should be a little toddler around. Isaac should be growing up with a brother close to his age. It is strange to be holding Isaac in my arms and yet aching from time to time for the son I will never hold again.
Every so often I have a "boo hoo" day still, but they are much further apart now, thankfully. But sometimes, the whole grieving process comes back to bite me with a vengeance and I am reminded that Aaron's death is still very much part of my immediate memories and influences me emotionally. There have been times when I just sit in the rocking chair, holding Isaac, and bawling and looking at Aaron's portrait. Weird, I know, but it is cleansing in its own way.
As usual, this whole process of grieving is full of contradictions. If I take time to grieve for Aaron, I feel guilty because Isaac is here with us, healthy, loveable, cute, and totally addicting to watch and play with and take care of. I have joy on the one hand because of Isaac, but my heart still aches some times for Aaron.
Overall however, that deep, hard, terrible greiving is much abated, and like I said, only rears its ugly head from time to time. I find I am much more prone to it when I am very tired, or overwhelmed or stressed.
There are times, like today when I just have to say in my heart, "I miss you, little boy."
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