Jerusha's Jumper and what's next....

Here is the little screamin Mimi, um, I mean Jerusha, in her new jumper. Oh, and "new" church shoes too. We got them last Saturday while out at the thrift store. She was, and still is, thrilled about them.

Next on the sewing table is our matching church dresses, a table cloth to hem for the kitchen table, and further down the line bloomers and/or slips for the girls.

I need some lace right off for the girls pinafore dresses so I am at a stand still after doing all that cutting out the other day. However, I got out some fabric squares I cut out a long time ago and started sewing them into Nine-patch blocks. At least SOMETHING is getting done. Also started helping Elizabeth with her jumper. She did one shoulder seam, and had to rip it out. I felt bad for her, but like in all of life, you "rip what you sew". :P

Tulips and Peepers

For the last several nights I have heard peepers out back. The sound of that makes me think of my mom's house. Except..not so loud. The peepers she has would deafen you. Ours are much more pleasant to listen to. Their evening song blends in nicely with the warming air, lulling you to sleep. I also couldn't help but notice the tulips coming up along the church walkway. Ahhh spring.

Except something is missing. I don't feel the usual exuberance. In fact, the more Spring-y things get, the more resistant I am to embrace it. I just don't feel ready. Dale said it could be a reluctance to have more distance between myself and Aaron as afar as time and events go. That could be. The change of "his" season to spring marks yet more passage of time. The more time that passes it seems like I am more and more the only one that even remembers his birth and death. I know it isn't going to make an impact on others as it does to me. I understand that, and don't expect anyone else to really grieve like I do, or miss him like I do. It isn't that. It is just seems like others conveniently overlook the whole situation and babble on and on about trivial stuff that I couldn't care less about. Yes, I am back doing music. That doesn't mean I am "over it". Nor is it a cover up for how I am feeling. I am doing music again because now it seems right. It's as simple as that. It doesn't take away any of the pain, nor does it add to it. But it is enjoyable again.

I am still in some pretty deep grieving and it disturbs me to think that other people may assume that I am not bothered by Aaron's death anymore, or that it is on the back burner of my mind. Believe me, he is not. Everyday he is at the front of my memory and thoughts. This morning while in the shower I was thinking again that I should be listening for the cry of a baby; they always seem to be hungry when mama is in the shower or just sitting down to eat. Or when working on schooling, or doing dishes, or cutting out a bunch of fabric, that I should have been interrupted by a hungry baby, or changing his diaper, or rocking him, or playing with him. I know from experience the complications of homeschooling, baking, washing clothes, doing ANYTHING with a baby in the house. I miss it. Especially when I keep thinking that Aaron "should" be here cooing, and smiling, maybe starting to roll over, or whatever milestones he may have reached by 3 1/2 months.

So, I try to keep busy to help keep my mind off of those things. I'd like to say it is working, but the only thing it is accomplishing is keeping the fidgets away.

Dale fears I am overdoing and continues to encourage me to take "alone time" in the evenings. I obey, and never have regretted it. I usually don't realize it until I get in my "safe place" with my feet up and the cross stitching out, how much I needed to get away for a little while.

Tonight I was pondering all of this and thinking ahead that since Spring has sprung, I should start thinking about the garden. Some of the children have already requested certain crops. Pumpkins seem to be very popular this year. I am planning a memorial garden too, and the girls asked if they could plant petunias. Why not? I was looking through a magazine this evening and came across a memorial resin stone that said: "Gone yet not forgotten, although we are apart, God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart." Well, that started a flood of tears I haven't had in a while. I just cried and cried, and couldn't stop! Dale heard me and came in to hold me and let me just cry it out. After I got under control we were able to chat a bit. I'm glad I have him!

On a more practical note, I finished Jerusha's jumper and she wore it today. She was well pleased with it. I will post a pic tomorrow, as Dale is on the puter with the pics on it. I also started cutting out the twins' pinafore dresses for our matching outfits. I will sew those up first, then move onto Jerusha's dress, then mine. When I get them all completed we'll have Dale take a pic and we'll post it here.

Canned or fresh?

If I get a choice between canned or fresh, I choose fresh everytime. I don't mean just for vegetables either. Canned music... ptooey. I don't care for it. I was in a church once and they had their soloist singing to prerecorded music. It was awful. The music, not the singer. She had a sweet voice that was ruined by canned music. It was too bad. There is such a thing as canned prayers, or prayers that are recited over and over from a prayer book. I have always thought of that as vain repition, and never have been endeared to it.

However, spiritual growth is a continual process, and I discovered a book of prayers that I am loving. Now, all you hard-core fundamental baptists don't go gasping and thinking me a heretic. Let me explain!

The book is called "The Valley of Vision". The preface states the prayers in the book are from the Puritans. I bought this book last summer when ordering school books. I saw a recommendation in a Non-puritan but Christian publication for it, and thought "why not?". It wasn't expensive, and at the very least, could be used as some sort of tool for teaching literature.

The book, along with boxes of school stuff arrived in due time. I organized the school books for when we started our first term, and put the prayer book in our room, and promptly ignored, then forgot about it. It wasn't intentional, I was just looking for a quiet moment to open it up and enjoy it.

Fast forward to Christmas, when Aaron died. I found I couldn't pray, at least it seemed like it. I wasn't bitter or mad at God. I just coulnd't find the words to express what I was feeling. Some time went by before I could even utter some of David's prayers taken from the Psalms.

One day I found that book of prayers. Actually it was only a couple weeks ago. I opened it and started reading. What wonderful words, given in what sounded like poetry to me! I read one or two over prayerfully, adding my own words, taking out what didn't apply, but using what was in the book as a springboard, so to speak. I know that at one time I would have NEVER even considered using a prayer book. But let me just honestly say, that right now, it is wonderful. It helps me to be ABLE to pray. I can read and pray the words with my heart, just like I have done with the Psalms many times. I don't see anything wrong with it. It is not like I am repeating them as a mantra for salvation or to earn favor with God. I am using it to help bear my heart to the Lord. And like I said, I add in what applies to my situation. Isn't it better to have help from a prayer book, than to not pray at all?

I do recommend this book, "The Valley of Vision". Even if you don't use it as a prayer book, the prayers are like beautiful poetry. They really get your mind stayed on Jesus.

So, though I prefer fresh, there are times that canned is needed. Sometimes canned veggies are all that are available. Sometimes canned music can be a blessing if there are no musicians to acompany the singer (providing the canned music is godly). And sometimes, a prayer book can be the help I need when communicating with God.

What Was I Thinking? Part 2

Yesterday and today were more very busy days. We pushed to get some cleaning done yesterday, along with some extra baking, and then there was the usual laundry, schoolwork, chores, cooking, etc. I also cut out and started working on a jumper for Jerusha. All the cleaning and extra baking was because today we were planning on a family outing to run errands.

Dale and a business meeting over at church this morning, then we went out after lunch, first to a thrift store. We were in hot pursuit of some much needed church shoes for several of the children, and a couple pairs of sneakers. We also let the girls each get a dollie dress, and the boys each a straw cowboy hat. They were thrilled with their little treats. I tried to find some suit coats for the boys, but that was a total flop. Oh well.. had to look while we were there. We then went to Walmart's and that is where the "what was I thinking part 2" comes into play. The girls and I found some fabric we fell in love with for our matching dresses. I also allowed Esther to pick out some fabric for her next sewing project...a jumper for everyday wear. The pile of fabric that we were to take home and sew up made the lady cutting it out drop her jaw. She then gave me the understatement of the year: "You seem to have quite a sewing project to do!". No kidding lady, you don't know the half of it.

The fabric I got for my skirt and blouse aren't exactly the same as the fabric for the girls' dresses, but it is the same color family with some of the same colors. As soon as I finish Jerusha's jumper I will start on our matching outfits. Lord willing I will have them done before anyone outgrows them! I will post pics when they are all done too. :)

Esther and Elizabeth will be starting their new sewing projects-- jumpers. They will be doing most of the work, but with Mama tutoring them every step of the way. I think they will enjoy making something pretty for themselves. It will mean a lot of hands on time for me, while helping them, but I know it will pay off later.

In case you are keeping tally, on our sewing list for this spring/summer:
Matching church outfits for us ( two pinafore dresses, 1 heirloom type dress, and skirt and blouse); two everyday jumpers for the twins, one jumper for Jerusha, and a short sleeved dressy summer jacket to match a dress I made last summer that I never got around to. That doesn't include slips, or bloomers.

Thank the Lord I cleaned and oiled my machine last night!

After we got home I went over to church to make friends with the piano again and do the florals. I spent much longer than I had intended, but the practicing was going well, and I was actually enjoying myself. No distractions, just time to relax and play and have fun. Doing the florals took longer than I had thought, but it got done and looked pretty decent, if I do say so myself.

So tomorrow morning I will start again as church pianist. Another day, another step. I think the missions conference was the catalyst for me in getting back into doing some music. Whatever the reason, the time feels right again for it.

It was a little hard today as we had to drive past the cemetery twice where Aaron is buried. As we drove by I got a lump in my throat so that I couldn't talk, my eyes welled with tears, and that terrible pull at my heart. It amazes me how such a little soul, with us for such a short time can leave such emptiness in me, and such an indelible print on my heart.

What Was I Thinking?

I get these bursts of energy and push to get a bunch of stuff done. Then my mind goes into a planning stage... what I want to do for spring cleaning, how I want to clean out and organize all the kids clothes ,what to order for school next term, what music we all need to be practicing, and what is on the sewing lists.

Do you notice what all of those things have in common? None of them are small projects. They are all pretty big and involved. All the "doing" serves a couple of purposes. One is to get things organized and cleaned, obviously. Another is, to occupy my mind with something that takes brain work, but not too much brain work. Just enough to keep my mind busy.

Today I went digging through some of my patterns for the girls. I noticed that they have been growing, and will be needing church dresses in the somewhat near future. One set I think will fit them for a while yet. However, it is my custom to make them all matching dresses at least once a year. I haven't even felt like thinking about sewing, to tell you the truth, except to maybe do a quilt block here or there but even that has been infrequent. The thought of digging out pattern, orchestrating fabric selections, and cutting it all out and then finally sewing it all up... well, that is overwhelming to me right now. However, necessity is beginning to get the upper hand. I figured that as with the music, maybe the same thing will happen with the sewing. Maybe if I just jump in and start, I will find the enjoyment I experienced previously.

So, I gave the twins some choices of patterns. I already picked one out for Jerusha. At her age, I reserve the right to still make that choice for her. Well, my sweet twins picked out a nice pattern, but I groaned and rolled my eyes. OH NO! Pinafore dresses. Great, just great. I swore last year when I struggled getting a set done that I wouldn't do them again. Well, I put the pattern in there thinking that with the other choices there was a good chance they wouldn't pick it. Wrong! I should have known better. The dresses are cute, but it was one of those moments when I wish I could take back my "you pick and and I'll make it" statement. At least whatever I make for myself will be in matching fabric but simple and classy.

I had another headache today, again generating from my sinuses. I was able to take a nap in the afternoon and that seemed to help a great deal. I didn't get all my goals done today. I was planning on using some time after supper for catching up a bit but Dale summarily dismissed me to relax and put my feet up for fear of me overdoing things. Thankfully he has more wisdom than I do in this matter. When I get going I just go until I have a major break down or something. Dale reminds me to pace myself and to remember I still am not up to 100% yet, and I shouldn't expect to be for a while.

School was back to the normal agenda of things. We all got in music practice for a while. That was good. A good example of me going all out would be the fact that I practiced piano, flute, and violin today. I seem to have inherited the "All-or-Nothing" gene.

Something I have been doing everynight is writing in my journal my goals for the next day. I try to limit it to no more than three per day, so they are goals I can easily make, and if I don't, it is okay too. That helps me pace myself. For example, tomorrow my goals are: 1.) Finish the ironing 2.)Cut out a jumper for Jerusha 3.)Clean the bathrooms and vacuum the floor.

Okay, so I snuck in two things in that last one. Supper tomorrow night is sloppy joes on homemade whole wheat bread, spinach salad, and green beans.

Homeschool experiment

For the last couple days we have had very full schedules for school and chores and general everyday stuff. Today, since we were all a bit tired (too say the least!) I tried an experiement with homeschooling. I tried to limit any worksheets. Not that there is anything wrong with worksheets, per se, but my kids usually take to the hands on type of learning much quicker than a worksheet. For the record, they have done their share of worksheet schooling.

So, for today, here is what we did:
MATH: Mighty Mind puzzles, math wraps.
ENGLISH: Charlotte's Web fun puzzles and acrostic poem writing; read-aloud.
HOME EC: Help making quiche for supper, hand sewing (girls), work on quilt (Benjamin)
MUSIC: Instrument practice; wrap about notes
GEOGRAPHY: Coloring sheets on PA. state bird and flower.
BIBLE READING: daily individual reading
SCIENCE: "Tigers" dvd (nature commentary)
SPELLING: oral drills
MEMORY VERSES: oral recitation and drill

I think that is it... at any rate, it went well enough for the most part. I had a wicked splitting sinus headache all day, with varying degrees of dizziness. That is why I am home tonight from church.

I found that today's homeschooling didn't take any less time than the usual. The children seemed to enjoy the break from the normal routine however. It was a bit harder on me, however, trying to keep track of who has done what and working the rotation on the computer (we had an interactive puzzle online to do too). But, everyone got their work done, and it was a pretty fun day overall for them.

Now if I could just get rid of this headache....

Break Throughs and Break Downs

Such is life. You take several steps forward, then one or two back. Some days it seems like several. Some days maybe half a step. Thankfully, as I look back over the last three months, I see a general trend of moving forward in the grieving process. There are ups, and some very sharp and steep descents, but over all, it seems that things are moving in a healthy direction. Frankly, where I am now, and what I am able to do now, is nowhere I thought I would be. A couple months ago I never would have predicted my walk now. What I mean to say, is that a couple months ago I was completely immobilized with grief, and filled with a great emptiness.. if that makes any sense. Now I am able to do much more than I thought I would be able to at this point.

In fact, for the last week plus a few days I have been on the run from the time I wake up until late at night. First with the preparations for the conference amidst everyday life, then with the conference itself. All the misgivings and uncertainties I had regarding housing missionaries proved to be complete and unadulterated horse-hocky.

It all worked out, as you all and deep down I knew it would. Only about half the family was able to come this time. This worked to my advantage in a couple of obvious ways. One was on the practical side of things in that there wouldn't be as many people to feed and take care of. Though the missionary family was very mannerly, and helpful, you feel the burden of responsibility as hostess. The other way it worked out was that without Mrs. Rooney being there, I wasn't "on" for entertaining, really. My dh and Mr. Rooney chatted for hours and went soul winning and whatnot. But if I wanted to go take a nap I could, without wondering if I should just sit and visit. In fact, it did happen twice that I had opportunity to escape to my bedroom and chill out by myself. One day I even took a nap. :)

I did strike up a friendship with the oldest daughter that came along. She played the piano (VERY well, I might add) for us at the meetings. She also did special music with the kids. She and I did a flute/piano duet and a violin duet on another night.

Therein lies the "Breakthrough" part of this. Up until now I haven't been able to even think about playing any instruments. But with someone to actually play with, I was able to get through that, and enjoy it again. I found out, after taking out a special arrangement book for piano yesterday, that I am very rusty at piano solos. So, I will just take my time and practice something just for the fun of it.

As for the Break Down part, I did have one night after we retired for the night when I just had a good old fashioned cry. There are many times still when the thought of Aaron just causes my heart to drop and my eyes to well with tears. I expect that will last a lifetime, and I am okay with that. It goes back to the disability theory. I am learning to live with this loss, but there will still be times when my limitations are very evident.

Speaking of which, after our wonderful guests left us Monday morning, I kind of had the day off. Dale was still home from work, so he said for me to just rest, relax, regroup. He said that I at least earned the rest of the day off, if not more, after all the work I put in over the last week. So, after doing a little organization for school, a couple loads of laundry, I got into some comfy clothes, and enjoyed a day of mental and physical rest. I can't believe how tired I was, and didn't even realize it until then.

Today I was pretty much back in the saddle, though by the time supper was over I was so overwhelmed with the day that Dale told me to just call it good enough for today and put my feet up for a while. You know how it is.. juggling the schooling, catching up on laundry, orchestrating things mentally: "Benjamin you practice piano, Esther you do the stuff about Pennsylvania, Josiah do the Charlotte's Web unscramble, Elizabeth you read the George Washington book...etc." then switching it all around and making sure you record everything. Whew! Oh yeah, there was bread to make, Home Ec to do, Jerusha to chase, and Caleb to teach as well.

I also had to do some stuff on the computer for school, and home. I got to thinking that the girls are growing fast, and I need to be thinking about some sewing. I dug through my patterns and such and found several options for church dresses. I have to admit that just thinking about tackling that project gives me a headache and overwhelms me to no end.

I have a humongamous pile of laundry to fold and ironing to do. The kids folded all their stuff, but I never got to Dale's and mine. The carpets need vacuuming.. the floors need mopping... but oiy vey! I am out of energy for that today.

Somebody needs to keep reminding me to pace myself and take it slowly. (Yes mom, I hear you!!!! ) I forget and get going and then later pay for it. It must be that "all or nothing" gene.

There is our update for now. I will post a pic of the kids singing together tomorrow. I am on the wrong computer for that right now.