Grace-based Parenting of Toddlers

Recently my SIL has been posting some very good stuff on grace-based parenting, and comparing different parenting styles. You can see all her hard work at The Savage's Lair.

I agree with the commenters above although I think the Shepherding book is too impressed with spanking as a disciplinary tool and I would skip over those parts, especially where he's talking about spanking babies. I don't think parents should ever do that.

I think you already know the answer in your heart, since you have wisely disparaged the mental checklist or one-size-fits-all approach. I know they are incredibly appealing. I remember feeling the exact same way when my older children were toddlers. There's a certain amount of chaos and naughtiness that goes on at those young ages and you wish there was a silver bullet to make them always behave the way they do in their best moments.

I remember being pointed to "How to Really Love Your Child" (Ross Campbell) as a good book on discipline. Taking it home and reading it, I could not see anything helpful in it. I wanted a "But what do you do when..." set of directions. A collection of silver bullets.

Years later I was asked to speak to a church group on Loving Your Children, and I wondered how best to collect my thoughts on that so I reread that book. This time, since my children were grown up or nearly so, I saw the book in a new light. His book distilled the essence of good parenting, and in my opinion, the heart of Christian parenting. It's basically what I would say if someone asked for the most important things I could tell them about parenting.

First comes relationship. All your child rearing happens within the framework of your home's atmosphere and your relationship with your children and husband. So smile at your children when they toddle up to you, make eye contact with them, touch them gently on the shoulder while you're telling them to pick up the blocks. These things build a warm cooperative family environment.

Instead of thinking in terms of "that deserves a punishment," think about the behavior as a sign that the children need to be equipped and taught to make a better decision. If they are whining, show them a better tone of voice. If they are hitting, show them how to negotiate for what they want or take turns.

And then there are the times when the instruction just needs to be enforced calmly, without rancor. You walk in your authority. Say your child doesn't want to leave the nursery when it's time to go home from church. You tell her it's time to go and she acts like she didn't hear you. You did the whole 5 minute notice thing like a good parent and still she won't leave. Well then, you pick her up and leave. You don't need to threaten, you don't need to make a scene, you don't need to give her a mini-lecture. You just be a parent and do what needs to be done. (She's probably a little strung out from being in a small box of a room with 6 children for an hour and a half. Wouldn't you be?)

If the naughtiness is at a particularly high level, think about that behavior as a sign. What's it a sign of? Yes, yes, I know all about sin natures and such. But what's the behavior a sign of? We SIN because our bent is to answer a basic need the wrong way. That's always our tendency. So what's the behavior a wrong answer to? Is the child hungry? Is he tired? Is he over-stimulated? Is he feeling misunderstood or overlooked? Have you been dragging the kids from pillar to post on errands and they really need to get home and back into their own routine and their own environment?

The fact that we are so much older and wiser than our children means we need to put our greater life experience to work on their behalf. If they could simply tell you, "Don't listen to me, I know I'm being irrational about this, I'm totally exhausted and not thinking straight" like a girlfriend would, things would be different. You have to piece that together from the information you can pick up. Of course if your girlfriend said that to you, you wouldn't "not listen to her." You'd calm her down, encourage her to get some sleep, administer chocolate, whatever. You'd "not listen to her" in terms of not reacting to the drama, but you'd continue to be her friend and try and help her. Same with your kids. They can't tell that they are overly hungry or overly tired. They're just striking out in their misery. We have to see that, and fast track the root solution--get their blood sugar back up, or get them down for the badly-needed nap, or get them home to their own environment. Do it gently and mercifully, not angrily and punitively. They're just kids.)

In other situations, the parental thing to do is set a boundary and then unemotionally enforce it. "I know you don't like your car seat, honey. Up you go. I know you hate it. Let's get that buckle fastened. Ok. Here's your juice." [Child is feeling uncooperative and inconsolable and bats it away.] "Oh--you don't want your juice? You can tell me with your words. I'll put it away." [Matter-of-factly put the juice cup away. You don't need to be pulled into the drama here. These are just feelings being handled immaturely. Toddlers are, by definition, immature. Now, as you get yourself settled in the car, change the subject, help your child not dwell on what's not negotiable.] "Who will we see at the store? Will we see Mr. Steven there?"

A squall about getting into a dreaded car seat doesn't need to be punished. They outgrow that kind of stuff. You just handle it. Think about all the stuff you hate to do...God doesn't punish us for hating to face that mountain of laundry. But by our ages, we have strategies for getting through it. Young children don't have strategies yet.

So there's some thoughts for you.

I have to say I have enjoyed what she has been posting because way back when my oldest was a baby I read and reread some very popular child rearing books at the time that promoted spanking and lots of it. I have found over the years that spanking is not always the way to go, and sometimes, depending on the child, other things will work, such as a loss of a toy, or a privilege, or one child would even straighten up at just a certain look.

Over the last 15 years, 7 children, granted, still in the works, I have found that not one thing works with all children. Not one method is "right". It takes much wisdom and discernment and there is WAY more to discipline and parenting than using the rod. I could post much more on that, but will refrain for now. Let's just say I threw those first books away, turned back to the Bible and asking God for wisdom. I've also decided there is no such thing as a "child expert". Just someone who is experienced with their own children.

"The Great Life"

"And in despair I bowed my head:
There is no peace on earth," I said
For hate is strong, and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men."

"Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
God is not dead: nor doth He sleep:
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.

The above is taken from the song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day". Okay, you New Englanders, did you know that was originally written by Henry W. Longfellow? There is your bit of trivia for the day.

Peace... I think peace is a highly misunderstood concept. Peace is not what the world is looking for... the cessation of all war and conflict of any kind. That is not peace. That is a pipe dream.

We live in a real, live, imperfect world, with real, live, imperfect people. There are as many different personalities and view points as there are people. There is no there will be perfect unity in thought or philosophies or theologies.

So what about the "peace"? I'm not talking about peace as in quiet. As in "disturbing the peace", though I am not opposed to that type. I am talking about the peace that passes all understanding. That calm, trusting, feeling you can only get directly from the Lord when things start going awry, or are outright falling apart, or a catastrophe occurs. There is also the peace that Jesus left for us before He ascended into Heaven.

Lately we have been reading a book by Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest".

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you:.... Let not your heart be troubled." John 14:27

Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God, but it is we who are in the wrong, not God, there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go. Immediately we do, everything becomes as clear as daylight. As long as we try to serve two ends, ourselves and God, there is perplexity. The attitude must be one of complete reliance on God. When once we get there, there is nothing easier than living living the saintly life; difficulty comes in when we want to usurp the authority of the Holy Spirit for our own ends.

Whenever you obey God, His seal is always that of peace, the witness of an unfathomable peace, which is not natural, but the peace of Jesus. Whenever peace does not come, tarry til it does or find out the reason why it does not. If you are acting on an impulse, or from a sense of the heroic, the peace of Jesus will not witness; there is no simplicity or confidence in God, because the spirit of simplicity is born of the Holy Ghost, not of your decisions. Every decision brings a reaction of simplicity.

My questions come whenever I cease to obey. When I have obeyed God, the problems never come between me and God, they come as probes to keep the mind going on with amazement at the revelation of God. Any problem that comes between God and myself springs out of disobedience; any problem, and there are many, that is alongside me while I obey God, increases my ecstatic delight, because I know that my Father knows, and I am going to watch and see how He unravels this thing.

My you be blessed today as you read and meditate on God's Word!

It Is Well With My Soul

Most hymns have interesting backgrounds if you delve into the history of the writer. I enjoy all, but only a handful produce tears in my eyes when I think of what occured to inspire the author to pen the words we now sing so blithely. "It Is Well With My Soul" is one of them. Another "hymn" that I cannot play or sing without tears in my eyes is the Star Spangled Banner. The story behind that is just amazing. But that is another post!

Thank you to the ministry of www.biblestudycharts.com for the excellent website that provided the following:



Horatio Gates Spafford
1828-1888
Born: October 20, 1828, North Troy, New York.
Died: October 16, 1888, Jerusalem, Israel, of malaria.


“Praise the Lord, O my soul.” Psalm 146:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3

Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed. Psalm 103: 1-6

Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

HYMN HISTORY:

This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled, 'It is well with my soul', you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words, "When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of Spafford's life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.

Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because of Horatio's legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords' only son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.

Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest -- DL Moody needed the help. He was traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French steamer 'Ville de Havre' across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned. He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read:

"Saved alone."

On November 2nd 1873, the 'Ville de Havre' had collided with 'The Lochearn', an English vessel. It sank in only 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had been rescued, Mrs. Spafford's first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her, "You were spared for a purpose." And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, "It's easy to be grateful and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God."

Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father's voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. "A careful reckoning has been made", he said, "and I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep." Horatio then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.

The words which Spafford wrote that day come from 2 Kings 4:26. They echo the response of the Shunammite woman to the sudden death of her only child. Though we are told "her soul is vexed within her", she still maintains that 'It is well." And Spafford's song reveals a man whose trust in the Lord is as unwavering as hers was.

It would be very difficult for any of us to predict how we would react under circumstances similar to those experienced by the Spaffords. But we do know that the God who sustained them would also be with us.

No matter what circumstances overtake us may we be able to say with Horatio Spafford...


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Five Commands

The following is taken from "Days of Praise", and written by John D. Morris, PhD.

"Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1:13)

In our text and the succeeding two verses, five commands are given to the believer striving to live a godly life. Let us look briefly at each one:

Gird up the loins of your mind: Using the long, flowing robes worn by most in Greek societies as a word picture, Peter commands us to gird up our minds, just as such a robe needed to be gathered up in preparation for strenuous activity. We need to discipline our minds for action.

Be sober:A drunken person has a disoriented mind, lacks self-control, and is not alert to his surroundings. We are commanded to maintain a calm and thoughtful state of mind, i n full control of all our actions.

Hope to the end, or "patiently fix your hope": We must recognize that He is in control and patiently wait for Him. The focus of our expectation is His grace, which we presently experience, but which will be fully granted us at His return.

Not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance (v. 14): This phrase is translated "be not conformed" in Romans 12:2 and commands us not to adopt the world's lifestyle and thought patterns, especially our "former lusts", which enslaved us before our conversion.

But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy (v. 15): God is first and foremost a holy God, and we are called to "fashion" ourselves after Him. Complete holiness is out of our reach this side of glory, but it should be our goal.

All five are commands indeed, but commands three and five are in an emphatic position in the Greek, and these two hold the key to success in the others. Only by patiently fixing our hope on Him and His grace can we successfully strive for His holiness.

(I hope this was a blessing to you today! Remember to spend time with the Lord everyday!)

God's Forethought

I know that you know that we all know that God knows all. Yesterday, today, forever, He knows all. Praise God for that.

But what I like is that He knows that we don't know it all, and never can, because we aren't God, and never will be, so He gives us some information to explain things that may not be obvious. Especially when we are talking about different cultures.

For example, in 1 Chronicles 5:

"Now the sons of Reuben the firstborn of Israel, (for he was the firstborn; but, forasmuch as he defiled his father's bed, his birthright was given unto the sons of Joseph the son of Israel: and the genealogy is not to be recknoned after the birthright. For Juday prevailed above his bretheren, and of him came the chief ruler; but the birthright was Joseph's: ) The sons, I say, of Reuben the firstborn of Israel were Hanoch, and Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi.

Nice little beginning to some geneology, but what does that have to do with anything? Well, while I was reading it I got a chuckle out of the tone of the first two verses. Picture a teacher at a lecturn... "Now the sons of Reuben the first born of Israel... for he WAS the firstborn... " then going thru the two verses and finially ending and retiterating... "The sons, I say, of Reuben the firstbonr of Israel..."

The emphasizing is not mine, but already in there. Like the reader was trying to make sure we understood about the geneology. Also, notice the writer points out the geneology line does NOT follow the birthright. What is so interesting about that? First of all, if you aren't Jewish, and a regular Joe Shmoe Christian reading the Bible, you aren't going to be proficient in the knowledge of Jewish customs. The neat part is that God knew that Gentiles, unfamiliar with the ways of the Jewish geneology would be reading His Word one day. So He told the writer to put that little bit of instruction in the second verse. He did that just for me. Just for you. Because He knew that we wouldn't know.

Secondly, if you follow out the blood line geneology, and not the birth right line, you will go through people like David, Ruth and Boaz (Ruth wasn't even one of the "chose" people), and Rhahab the harlot. All those people, righteous and unrighteous, orthodox Jewish, non practicing Jews, godly and ungodly, what have you... all lead to the line of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So.. what? Well, if you didn't know that the birth right line was NOT the geneology line, you would be confused, and maybe even think the Bible has errors, etc.

I am so thankful the Lord gave us His Word, and we can read it and learn something new no matter how old we are, or how long we have been reading.

Oh, and by the way, you DO have to read it to learn from it. *wink*

Wars and Rumors of Wars

First of all, thank you to all those that have served, and are currently serving our country in the military, and to your families for putting up with the inconvenience, insecurity, and loneliness when a loved one is overseas fighting for our rights.

That being said, I thought today's Days of Praise was very apropos for Veteran's Day. It is written by Henry H. Morris III.

WARS AND RUMORS OF WARS

"And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs ; but the end shall not be yet." (Mark 13:7)

Most major cities and our nation's capital have many memorials to honor the veterans and their sacrifices in past wars. Some of those memorials are magnificent, stressing the glory and joy of victories won. Others are somber and heartrending, stressing the pain and sacrifice necessary to gain and hold onto freedom. All seek to honor the people involved, for the cost is and has been enormous.

Yet, Jesus said that "such things must needs be"! Some wars are more observably "necessary" than others, like wars to stop the spread of evil or to bring judgment on evil nations (1 Samuel 15:2-3, etc.).

But all wars have their sources int he wickedness of men (James 4:1). One of the chief responsibilities of national leaders is to wield the "sword" of national power against those who do evil (Romans 13:4).

It is for those reasons that we honor the soldiers who demonstrate strength in the battle as King David and his "mighty men" did (2 Samuel 23:8-22). It is for this reason we erect monuments to commemorate great victories (Judges 6:24) or signal events in the battles for freedom (Joshua 4:5-7).

War is hideous and touches the lives of all involved. Yet it "must be" until the day when "they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more" (Micah 4:3).

Until that day comes, honor the memory of those who have given their lives and their livelihood to serve in this necessary duty.

Jehovah Jireh!

This is more of a rambling post about nothing in particular. Just some thought.

I was thinking of all the Lord provides us, and thanking Him for His many blessings. You know, like in the hymn, Count Your Many Blessings? Well, this morning in Sunday school part of what dh was teaching was on keeping the Sabbath. I had just read this morning in Mark, about how "God made the sabbath day for man, not man for the Sabbath." (paraphrased). God doesn't want us to keep the one in seven formula just to obey Him. He gave us that command (and yes, its a command, not optional) for our own good! A bow that is never loosened will loose its strength to shoot arrows. We are supposed to have one day a week to unwind and rest, and yes, go to church. That is a spiritual and physical refreshing. But notice the flip side of that... the 6 days of work. Not 5 days, He says 6 days. Once in a forum I was in, I was posting a thread about homemaking, a "to do" list, if you will, for a Saturday. Some chirpie youngster mom came in with a comment "Oh, I get everything done during the week so I we can just spend time together on Saturdays and have fun!" Well, 'Rah, for her. I got thinking about that wondering if I should be endevouring the same, but realized for our family, and our schedule, that would be impossible. Then I remember the Scriptures saying 6 days shalt thou work. Well, okay then!

I have heard that many times... "Oh, the weekend! We can do lots of stuff together as a family!" I agree. We do yardwork, stack wood, cleaning, make bread.. etc. But what I mean to say is that Saturday isn't necessarily "Play day". If you can do that, fine. And yes, we do that every once in a blue moon. But usually Saturday is a very busy day for us. Dale goes out in the morning with one of the older kids soul winning. The rest of us clean, bake or whatever. Any yard work like weeding or mowing or what have you we try to catch up on on Saturdays as well. Now I also give piano lessons in the morning to some pastor's kids (no, not ours) in exchange for some math tutoring for one of our daughters. Saturdays are our busiest day of the week many times. I play catch up as best I can on things that got pushed aside during the week, we clean (I like the house nice for Sundays), do any preparation for Sundays I can, etc. When the Lord's Day comes, I am SO thankful for a day of rest! It is good to get up Sunday mornings to some coffee, with my Bible, knowing the day will be refreshing spiritually and physically.

That brings up the question on what should or shouldn't be done on Sundays. I think that is something each family needs to decide for themselves. That is one of those gray areas. I can say what our family tries to hold to, however. Basically, I plan healthful meals, that aren't hard to prepare. We use paperplates sometimes to help cut back on dinner dishes. We try and keep things as low keyed and simple. No horse play, no tearing around outside. We do what I call "quiet time" activities. The kids can read, nap, play games quietly. I have let them go outside to read, but today was too hot and we all stayed in by the AC. Sometimes I go for a leisurely walk. I do allow handwork, but not mending (that is work to me LOL). Sometimes we have company over, and that's fine. We try not to purchase anything on Sundays, though we do eat out once a year when Dh takes us out for Mother's day (his version of "cooking"). If someone is in the hospital and he needs to visit them, then he goes without hesitation. And of course, he preaches 3 times on Sundays.

Something else the Lord provides is our sustenance. We had a wonderful dinner today, and we were commenting on how many times the Lord provides a whole meal, or part of a meal for free. For example, a couple weeks ago when we had salmon, that was a very, very cheap meal for us. The fish was given to us. So was the zucchini, and part of the salad. A meal fit for a king, and it cost us very little! Today we were, just for the fun of it, figuring the cost of our dinner. We had a sausage/rice/ cheese casserole, a huge bowl of homemade cabbage salad, and yup, more zucchini, and peanut butter bars with frosting for dessert. The sausage, cabbage, and sausage were given to us. The whole meal, for 8 of us, including milk, cost around $4. And there were leftovers.

Tonight as we were leaving church the kids were asking for a snack when we got home, which is normal procedure for us. Just then our neighbor came over and said that they had lots of roasted corn leftover from a hot dog roast they had at their church tonight, and the family that grew it wanted to give it to us. Two, humungous bags of roasted corn, still hot, were delivered to our door. Guess what we had for snack?

These are the things you can't budget in. You just never know what a day may bring forth. The Lord provides as He sees fit. While I am all for financial responsibility, there are some things, some times, you just have to have faith about. Having children, for example. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard "But how can you afford all of those children?". I just say, "We can't, but the Lord can. We do our best with the money He provides, then trust Him for the rest."

Here is a little thing the Lord provided for us. I have been wanting to try to make our own kefir, but never knew how to begin. A friend online posted one day she was over run with kefir grains, and would anyone like some? Now that is a little thing, I know, but it just goes to show you that God truly cares for us, even in our little wishes that don't seem to make an impact on the big picture of things.

Those are just a few examples of how the Lord has provided for us in the last day or so. Try keeping track of everything, and all those "little" things that do add up, and you'll be counting your blessings from sun up to sun down!

Canned or fresh?

If I get a choice between canned or fresh, I choose fresh everytime. I don't mean just for vegetables either. Canned music... ptooey. I don't care for it. I was in a church once and they had their soloist singing to prerecorded music. It was awful. The music, not the singer. She had a sweet voice that was ruined by canned music. It was too bad. There is such a thing as canned prayers, or prayers that are recited over and over from a prayer book. I have always thought of that as vain repition, and never have been endeared to it.

However, spiritual growth is a continual process, and I discovered a book of prayers that I am loving. Now, all you hard-core fundamental baptists don't go gasping and thinking me a heretic. Let me explain!

The book is called "The Valley of Vision". The preface states the prayers in the book are from the Puritans. I bought this book last summer when ordering school books. I saw a recommendation in a Non-puritan but Christian publication for it, and thought "why not?". It wasn't expensive, and at the very least, could be used as some sort of tool for teaching literature.

The book, along with boxes of school stuff arrived in due time. I organized the school books for when we started our first term, and put the prayer book in our room, and promptly ignored, then forgot about it. It wasn't intentional, I was just looking for a quiet moment to open it up and enjoy it.

Fast forward to Christmas, when Aaron died. I found I couldn't pray, at least it seemed like it. I wasn't bitter or mad at God. I just coulnd't find the words to express what I was feeling. Some time went by before I could even utter some of David's prayers taken from the Psalms.

One day I found that book of prayers. Actually it was only a couple weeks ago. I opened it and started reading. What wonderful words, given in what sounded like poetry to me! I read one or two over prayerfully, adding my own words, taking out what didn't apply, but using what was in the book as a springboard, so to speak. I know that at one time I would have NEVER even considered using a prayer book. But let me just honestly say, that right now, it is wonderful. It helps me to be ABLE to pray. I can read and pray the words with my heart, just like I have done with the Psalms many times. I don't see anything wrong with it. It is not like I am repeating them as a mantra for salvation or to earn favor with God. I am using it to help bear my heart to the Lord. And like I said, I add in what applies to my situation. Isn't it better to have help from a prayer book, than to not pray at all?

I do recommend this book, "The Valley of Vision". Even if you don't use it as a prayer book, the prayers are like beautiful poetry. They really get your mind stayed on Jesus.

So, though I prefer fresh, there are times that canned is needed. Sometimes canned veggies are all that are available. Sometimes canned music can be a blessing if there are no musicians to acompany the singer (providing the canned music is godly). And sometimes, a prayer book can be the help I need when communicating with God.

Spring?

Do you see what that is??? That is a lilac bud! Whoohoo! This weekend we turn our clocks ahead. I am getting itchy to be hanging laundry out again. Could it be... Spring? Bring it on!

I love the first signs of spring. This week has been long and low for me so far. The little hints of spring we are getting are so encouraging. To make a long story short, I was able to attend both services Sunday. Then Monday and Tuesday I never even got dressed. Monday was quite emotional for me, and Tuesday I was just plain drained. Today I was able to resume a very moderate amount of activities. Such is the path of grieving I guess.

I have been journaling my thoughts, even if I haven't been updating here. I finished the book of Psalms the other day and was going to go back and read it again, but decided to start with Job. The following is just random impressions and thoughts about different verses. I hope you have some coffee, because this might get a little long, since I am "making up" for several days.

Job 7:13 "When I say, My bed shall comfort me, my couch shall ease my complaint..." Job knew all about the "safety zones" we set up for ourselves when grieving. See, I thought when I first entered into all this, that "safety zone" was a modern idea. Not so. It is apparently old as the hills. My safe zone is my bedroom. That is my spot to get away from the rest of the world. I do my best to keep it pleasant, cheerful, and welcoming. I go in to rest.. mentally and physically, and to be refreshed spiritually.

Job 6:1-4 " But Job answered and said, Oh that my grief were throughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together! For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up. For the arrows of the almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me." That describes well some of the grieving process. That heaviness that you can't shake. You smile, laugh, converse, and function in a normal, everyday fashion, but that heaviness is with you all the time. It is constant and you learn to live with it. Your words do indeed feel swallowed up, for you find you can't answer simple questions like "How are you doing?" That can be very difficult to answer. Or "what do you want me to do?" is a hard one to. Frankly, most of the time I can't think of one thing that anyone can do. "Do you want me to do ___________ (you fill in the blank)?" Honestly, I don't know.

"... the poison whereof drinketh up my spirit;" makes me think of that verse in Proverbs about how a joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit drieth up the bones. That broken spirit reminds me of the meditating I have been doing on being a broken vessel. Depression, grieving, trauma of any kind, can break you. And it feels like life has been sucked out of you and left your bones dry. It takes a lot of time to "recover" from traumatic events.

Why do we feel we have to "jump" back into our routines and daily tasks, and act like we are feeling better than we do? We do we feel like we have to smile when we just want to cry? I have had wonderfully understanding people around me. Personally, I think the pressure I feel comes from what I unconscienciously know of our culture. I would like to be able to freely say, when asked how many children do I have, to answer : "Seven.. 6 living here and one waiting in heaven." I don't say it because people in our culture don't like to deal with anything that isn't pleasant or satisfying. The ironic part of all this is that by not allowing the natural grieving process to happen at a natural, slow, healthy pace, we are actually prolonging the healing. But isn't that the American way? To indulge in short-sighted, instant gratification, and avoid the unpleasant or uncomfortable truths at any cost? Some native American tribes allow A YEAR of grieving before they expect to see any improvement. A year! If you think about it that makes perfect sense. In a year's time you will hit all the "firsts" after a death. It gives the loved ones opportunity to hit each "first" with the freedom to grieve as hard as they want. And to take plenty of time to process the loss.

It has been about 9 weeks since Aaron died. Am I "improving"? Does it matter? According to the Indian custom, my grieving process has barely begun. But to answer, yes, I think every week I am able to cope a little bit better. The fog of anguish lifts a little bit more. Am I still grieving? Absolutely. Am I changed? Yes. No one can stay the same after a loss. You grow and learn from the experience. Do I still crave my "safety zone"? Oh yes... constantly. But I now can survive outside my safe place for periods of time. I have one foot back into "normal" life. Kind of like easing back into the ocean. Just a little bit at a time. Easing my way in, slowly, getting used to the rhythm and temperature of the water. If the culture today had its way, I would run and jump right in. But with grieving you can't do that, or it comes back to bite you. Your brain needs time to process everything all over.

Okay.. I have totally digressed from Job! Sorry about that. :)

Job 10: 9 and 10: " Remember, I beseech thee, that thou hast made me as the clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again? Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" I love the imagery here that Job uses. I have to admit that in times when I have read these passages before, I thought perhaps Job was being a little melodramatic. But I know now, he was understating it. Some days you feel as wimpy,used up, and sour as curdled cheese! It is true.

I have more thoughts on my reading today from Job 23. I won't type out the whole chapter but just quickly give some of my thoughts, briefly.

If anyone had reason to grieve, or be resentful, or bitter, it was Job. He lost 10 children, his wealth, and the love of his wife (or certainly her support) in one day. Remember, she is the one that told him to curse God and die. What a loving wife, eh? She couldn't stand being near him. His friends (and I use that term loosely) were a torment, not a comfort. Talk about being alone in grief, anguish, and misery. No wonder he feels like God isn't around! (verses 8 and 9).

For all that, Job still believed in God's goodness. Romans 8:28 wasn't written yet either, but Job understood and believed that truth (v. 10 ). I don't think it was lip service or spiritual posturing either. Job believed it, to the core of his soul.

Verse 16- Job knew where all the trial were coming from. He knew that God had appointed the path he was on. He didn't understand the "why" about it, but simply trusted God. I wonder if Job now realizes his story is in God's word, and has since been a help and encouragement to millions?