Monday, September 8, 2008

Pregnancy update

I hit the 24 week mark! The baby is moving plenty, and for the first time I felt the movement on the outside. I probably could have felt it before, but hadn't tried it. Saturday evening I was in bed writing in my journal, and I had my arm across my tummy. While I was writing I keep thinking I was seeing my pj's move out of the corner of my eye. I shifted my arm a bit to the suspected spot and sure enough I felt a series of strong little kicks against it. Dale was in the shower or I would have called him to come in and enjoy it too.

I have yet to get out my maternity clothes. That isn't as impressive as it sounds. Fact is I lost a lot of weight after Aaron, so most of my clothes have plenty of room. I will be getting out a few things that I have this week, simultaneously sorting through my regular clothes. Time for a declutter!

Anyway, Dale took this belly shot for me last night after church while I was still all gussied up:

As this baby grows it is harder to remain in a nuetral zone emotionally. I go from thinking "I can't go through this again" to feeling so much joy. I am continually on edge, but strangely, I am getting used to that feeling. I have resigned myself to feeling that way until the baby is born, and from what I have learned, that is normal for someone in our situation.

I have done nothing to prepare for this baby. Usually I make some new nursing wear, or baby stuff, but honestly, I just can't do that right now. Thankfully, we have plenty so if I never get around to it during pregnancy, the baby will be well provided for anyway. I can get by on what I have for nursing, as well. I have a new pattern I DO want to sew up though, "Catherine's Choice". It is a maternity/ nursing pattern. I have the fabric too, for it already. Like I said, I have been hesitant to do much so far. I think in my mind I remember all the getting ready for Aaron, and I just don't want to go through that and get my hopes up too high, if that makes any sense. I'm not trying to sound morbid, really.. just honest. I had given almost all the things I prepared for Aaron (nursing nightgowns, boppy, some baby outfits, etc) to a friend of mine who had a baby boy in January. She told me after she found out I was pregnant again to let her know when we would be in the neighborhood and she'd be happy to return all of it to me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Everything I gave her was because it reminded me of Aaron.. all specifically for him. The only thing I kept that was specifically for him was a baby quilt a friend of mine made. At this point, we have no immediate plans to go up that way, but will be when we get apples in a month or two. So, I can think about it. The practical side of me says "take it back, it will save some money, and besides, it isn't like you ever used the stuff for Aaron, in fact it will be more like a hand-me-down since she used the stuff for her baby." It doesn't seem so bad in that light, but knowing that I had originally made and obtained those things specifically for Aaron is like opening a wound.

Meanwhile, there is much to do here at home, and the busier I keep, the better I do, unless I get overtired. I still have not found a way to reconcile grieving with rejoicing in this matter. I enjoy the times of great joy, and get through the edgy times as best as I can with the Lord's help.

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