Gag Me With a Red Heart

Most people who know me understand that I don't really care for Valentine's Day.  It is really my husband's fault.  Everyday he finds a way to show me that he loves me.  He is kind, sweet, and puts up with my temper, argumentative spirit, and frustrations like a gentlemen.  He opens the door for me, kisses me, and tells me he loves me multiple times every day.

Not only that, but my man knows how to fill in when I am so busy I don't have time to blink.  He cooks, cleans, cracks the whip with the kids.  He doesn't "watch the kids".  He isn't a babysitter.  He is a parent, and he knows how to do that very well.  I never have to worry if I am gone overnight, or away for the day.  He knows how to be a parent to his own kids. 

So, in the light of honest, sincere love, displayed on an everyday basis, the Hallmark holiday of Valentine's Day leaves me mostly disgusted, though I admit that eating chocolate for any reason is a good thing.  If you are going to buy me flowers, send me a card, give me jewelry, then do it on your own volition, not under pressure of an overrated, overpriced, over-hyped holiday created for purely mercantile purposes. 

So, Happy Valentine's Day to all the true lover's out there who think February 14th is just for amateurs in the realm of what it means to really love someone.

In honor of that sentiment, I have a new article out on Medium, called Make Like A Chocolate And Bite Me. 

I hope you enjoy the humor side of all of this, and have a lovely day.

~Lisa

Ahem... yes... well.....

Need I say more?

Blessings,

Lisa

Goal Reached!

Oh yes... I just finished up 50k!  I cannot describe how exhilarating it is.  And I found out what the secret it... FIRE!  I have been in NaNoWriMo for five years, and won every year except one.  That year my trusty electric fireplace bit the dust.  No fire, no muse.  At least it seems so for me.  This fall Dale replaced that little fireplace, and voila!  My muse apparently returned.  I hit 50K, once again find myself with an unfinished novel.  And since this is a continuation from previous 2 years worth of NaNo, you can imagine that it is a bit of a opus.

So, please note the new button on my side bar.


*BIG SMILE*


Viva la pluma.

~Lisa

Happy Birthday Dale!

Oh yes... it's the big 5-0 for my honey.  Hehehehehehe... of course I planned a birthday even that was classy, and encouraging, and not snarky at all.


Yeah... right.


Birthday cake explanation... there is a saying about having one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.  That is what is on top of the cake.  It was, of course, black, and the little rocks were indicative of the ground, but made of chocolate.  The tall, skinny candles were sparklers.  So much fun!

We invited some friends and we all wore black in honor of Dale's milestone birthday.  We had two HUGE pans of lasagna with sausage (Dale's favorite) with garlic bread, and a salad.

Looks pretty handsome for an old guy, doesn't he?

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!

Blessings,

Lisa

This is Why I Have Gray Hairs

Seriously.  Children produce gray hairs, there is no getting around it.  This morning Josiah came up to me and  said : "Look Mom, I cut myself."

I was trying to see where the cut was on his finger, then he went to put it in his mouth.  Of course, I admonished him.... "Don't put that in your mouth!  Clean it off in the sink!"  Then, with a sly little grin, he pulled one of those hot balls out of his mouth.  You know, that RED candy.  

Little Stinker.  (I won't bore you of the details of the chase around the house with me yelling at him and trying to catch him that ensued.)   He got me good on that one!  

Okay... back to packing I go.  

Email Funny

Got this from Dale in my email.  I wonder how many will get the joke.  And no, honey, I'm sorry, but you still don't sound like a native.

What Pets Write In Their Diaries

(Thanks to Dale for sending this to me. Too funny!)



Excerpt From a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Exerpt From a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Morons.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now.

Blink of an Eye

And just like "that", two decades have passed. That is when Dale and I met. Yesterday was our 19th anniversary.

Wow.

I could be classified as an old married woman now, but frankly, I still feel like a young chick with rice still in my hair. For the record, Dale is 6 years older than me. Hehehehhee. Seriously, he looks younger than he is. He says it's the kids. They keep him young.

We "celebrated" with a special dinner here at home. We fed the kids earlier with a healthy (not) meal of hot dogs, french fries and peas. At least there was a vegetable. While I started baths, Dale fired up the grill. After all the little gremlins were placed in front of the TV downstairs with a tape in (yes, we fed them junk food then put them in front of the idiot box all in one evening. Gasp. They were growing too fast and getting too smart anyway.) Dale and I had grilled steaks, french fries, spinach salad, and peas for supper. Alone.

Well, sort of. Unless you don't count Jerusha coming up every 5 seconds to ask what we were doing. At one point she just kind of hovered for a while before we shoo'd her away. I think the tape the others were watching was over her head. Benjamin was in the living room being the baby sitter, so we sent her in there. Dale said "don't worry about her... she's just the busboy." Ha! All she did was hover, stare, and didn't clear anything. Definitely no tip for her.

We had cheesecake for dessert. No, I didn't make it. Dale picked up a sampler cheesecake from Aldi. It was very good. No, I didn't count calories. That is illegal when eat cheesecake on your anniversary.

We did have a good evening though, and enjoyed some conversation for a change. Although Dale did say next year for our 20th, we are going out to Olive Garden. I told him I wanted to go out on an Alaskan cruise. When he was done laughing me to scorn we exchanged gifts.

He got me a couple books by Tim LaHaye. It is a new series he and Jenkins are doing. They are going through each of the gospels, writing them from the author's view. It is based on the Bible, but written in a "fictional" type story line. Maybe not fictional, but it isn't just a dry account of the events. There is much more included. Through the story they incorporate customs, and living styles, and the general ebb and flow of daily life 2,000 years ago. I love that sort of thing... the stories of how things used to be and how people lived long ago, so I am looking forward to reading these books. Dale got me the first two books, John and Mark.

For Dale's gift I made him chocolate covered strawberries. He was impressed, and I hesitantly told him how very easy they are to make. He has seen them advertised here and there for a small fortune. Maybe we are in the wrong business, eh?

Anniversary aside, we have been very busy gardening. I think we have pretty much caught up and can transition into a "maintenance" rotation. I am still trying to find the peas. It is a very slow process because of the weeds. They are thick, and the same height as the plants. But what little I am uncovering, I'm wondering if it is a lost cause. There are huge gaps in the rows that make me wonder if it is even worth it at this point. The rest of the garden looks hale and healthy, though I think someone accidentally planted rock seeds. With all the rocks we have you wouldn't think anything would grow!

The sewing has been .... frustrating. I altered and copied a modest swim suit pattern I bought early in the spring. No problem there. I had ordered fabric from Chez Ami a while back when they were having a huge sale. Something I found out: not all swim suit fabric is equal. I was very disappointed with some of the fabric, I have to say. It was a woven, instead of a stretch. The pattern I have for the swim wear depends on the 75% or so stretch you get from the 4 way stretch lycra. Most of what I got didn't have it, and by the time I realized it, most of it was cut out.

It isn't a total loss. While there is NO way the girls can squeeze into the bodice pieces, I set all the cut out pieces aside for next year for Jerusha. I think if I put a little zipper in the backs, she can use them. If not, then at least I didn't pay and arm and a leg for the fabric. Thankfully, the fabric my friend's daughter picked out is perfect for swim wear, and I can go ahead and make her suit. Jerusha's original fabric is woven as well, but since I hadn't cut it out yet, I can adjust the pattern to allow for the "no stretchiness" of the fabric.

Yesterday the girls and I picked out some more fabric on Ebay, and you can bet I made sure it was 4 way stretch, and not woven fabric.

It is rainy and very cool here today, thankfully. I am finishing up quarterly reports to send out later, and then I'll get back to work on Rebekah's swim suit. She is very tall and slender. I'll probably have to add a couple of inches to the length of her suit, but that is an easy fix.

Have a blessed day!

Happy Birthday Josiah!

Saturday was Josiah's 9th birthday! We had a fun day with lots of dinosaur decorations, cake, and presents. My mom was out, so it was nice to have her around for the festivities. Here are some pics:

Yankee Humor

Thanks to my Dad, New Englander-turned-snowbird, for the following in an amusing email, which btw, is basically true! LOL

Forget Rednecks .......here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly,' you live in New England.

If there's a Dunkin' Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends & others, you live or have lived in New England.

Obsessed, and Not Afraid to Admit It

I freely admit to being totally absessed with the new little man in my life. I can spend unending amounts of time just staring at him, admiring God's handiwork. Maybe I am easily amused, but time passes quickly when I am just watching him sleep. I cannot get enough of just looking at our precious bundle! We are so thankful for Isaac, and grateful to the Lord for our newest blessing. Isaac is one well-loved baby, and kissed many times by his parents and siblings.

How To Save the Government $5 Million

(Dh sent me this email :) )

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year.

Assuming the next president lives to age 80.
Sen McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.
Sen Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.

How's that for non partisan thinking???

How to Clean Your Cat

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add
1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
You carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat
In the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse '.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home...Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where it will dry itself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Signed,
The Dog

(Please note: No animals were hurt during this post.)

Wife Swap

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman He arose,
cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.

At 9 P.M ..

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!"

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months.........You got pregnant last night."

Now honestly....

We are "teetotalers" here but even I got a charge out of this.

If you were alive around 1919 you might have seen this slogan:



Now, really, would you qive up drinking?

(For the record, Dale sent this to me from work. :) )

Parents

Job Description


This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,

I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!


POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


JOB DESCRIPTION :


Long term, team players needed, for challenging

permanent work in an

often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication

and organizational skills and be willing to work

variable hours, which will include: evenings and weekends

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES :


The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,

until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a

pack mule

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat

in case, this time, the screams from

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets

and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and

coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,

an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for

the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and

janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :


None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :


None required unfortunately.

On- the -job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION :


Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because

of the assumption that college will help them

become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS :


While no health or dental insurance, no pension,

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and

no stock options are offered;

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.




** AND A FOOTNOTE ?



THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **



If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!

Wintertime Giggles

A friend of mine emailed this to me. Just had to laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WINTERTIME GIGGLE


One winter morning a husband and wife in Pennsylvania were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later
while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are
expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are
again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.... Then the electric
power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look
on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"