If I am going to honestly post about the journey we are on, it will have to be the good, the bad and the ugly. Warning: what you are about to read falls under the "ugly" category.
Today was a whopper of a day for me emotionally. By 9am, I crying earnestly, and didn't stop until almost lunchtime. Dh ended up coming home early. I appreciated that more than I can say. There is nothing he can do or say, but just being here was huge to me. Yes, I tried to still handle school and such. Afterall, I'm supermom right? Afterall, I must be "getting better" by now? Right? Afterall, I am the pastor's wife so that means I am a super strong person and Christian and I can leap the trials of life in a single bound, right? After 3 whole weeks, I should realize that life goes on, and be back to normal,right?
Do me a favor, and don't answer that.
My emotions have been downright RAW yesterday and today. Today is way worse than yesterday. Excuse my sarcasm, and borderline blasphemy here. Like I said, today's entry is under "ugly". But I promised to be honest in my postings and I know what I am writing doesn't paint a pretty picture.
A friend of mine who lives in IN. called me during naptime. She had gotten our Christmas letter that I sent out earlier in December. However, she had not heard anything else about us or the baby. So,I had to go through the telling of Aaron's death again. She wept with me, and was very sweet. Then she told me the reason she called was because she had heard that a mutual friend of ours had her baby. Well now, that is intersting, because this mutual friend was supposed to call me when she had the baby! She was the same one that was going to help with Aaron's birth ( she had been to two of my previous ones ) and be my doulah. Well, I figured she must have had the baby this morning and was doing all the phone calls, trying to rest, etc. So I figured if I hadn't heard from her by Saturday I would call her. Anyway, ends up one of her older dd's called us a little before supper and gave us the good news. I am so happy for them! But after I hung up the phone I cried and cried and felt terrible for crying which made me cry more. I mean, here a dear friend has a healthy baby (boy I might add) and my response is to cry? What kind of selfish beast am I? I wouldn't never wish the experience we had on anyone, much less someone I consider close enough to be my sister!
As far as I am concerned this day can't end quickly enough. This day has been very long, very hard, and I feel like I have been body slammed back to three weeks ago.
There is an old negro spiritual that says:
There is a balm in Gilead
That makes the wounded whole,
There is a balm in Gilead
That heals the sin- sick soul.
Indeed, He does heal the sin sick soul. But there is no balm for this wound. Nothing can make it go away. Sure thing that kind words, thoughtfulness, and encouragement from others can help soothe it a bit, but it's still there. From what I understand, this kind of hurt doesn't go away. This isn't a "get better" thing like an illness.
The Bible talks about the prayers of the saints being a sweet savor unto the Lord. But what about the tears from the broken heart of a mother who has buried her baby? What about the prayers she wants to pray but cannot utter the words? Jesus wept on earth, does He weep in Heaven when we weep here? Does He share our grief WITH us while we are apart?
The Bible also says that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. This yoke does not feel easy or light.
Please understand... I am not shaking my fist in the face of God, I am not railing against him.. I am crying out for Him. David bore his heart in the Psalms. I am doing the same. I don't understand why He took Aaron. I never wanted to be part of this journey. I could ask why, but what good would that do? To be honest the "why" of it all doesn't even matter to me.
One of my dd's says to me every night before she goes to bed "Good night Mama. I love you. I hope you feel better in the morning."
It is sweet, to be sure. But it got me thinking... this is not a "get well soon" situation. Like I said before, this is not an illness. I don't have an injury that needs to heal. I think my dad put it quite well when he said that it is like having a disability. You need to learn how to live with it, have a new normal. I have heard other ladies who have been on similiar journeys say that you become a different mommy than what you were before. I can believe it. I just hope who I am now isn't going to be permanent. I am cranky. Irritable. I am yelling at my children. I am angry. I am sad. I cry all the time. This is not who I want to be.
I was born with a hole in my heart. It closed up and healed when I was a baby, thankfully. But I feel like I buried a piece of me with Aaron, and now there is another hole. I am a new mommy, but I don't know who I am. I am on a new path, but I don't know how navigate it or if I am even going in the right direction at this point. I am supposed to find a new normal for our life, but I don't know how to adapt. I am supposed to have "joy in the Lord" but all I want to do is cry. I am supposed to be content to grieve at my own pace, but I am frustrated that I still feel as I do.
I hardly know how to answer simple questions. "How are you?". Ummm... then in my mind I am trying to figure out if they really want to hear how I really am, or are they looking for a quick, pat answer? Maybe I should just answer "read my blog", eh?
This post is so morose, and so ugly, I am seriously thinking about deleting this entry. But I promised to be honest, and there it is.
The rest of the story:
I cannot leave this with just the above rantings. The Lord has given me encouragement in my spirit, and physically. Yesterday we got that flower arrangement. We did get the GOOD news of my friend having had her baby. Despite my turbulent emotions, I still am happy for her! And there are people in my life that I can just cry with, pour out my heart to, etc. There is a release in that. The Lord has given me a husband who is with me all the way on this. He is willing to be there for me to cry on, rant to, etc. And I know the Lord is with us in this. I know He only does what is good for us, though right now I can't see the "good". He can. He knows. Will not the Judge of all the earth do right? Indeed He will. Lord, help Thou my unbelief!
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